Zack: Instead of having eyebrows, his face says, "looks are deceiving." Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure this guy is a successful criminal attorney and he hates the Raiders.
Dave: Do you think he got all these tattoos gradually over the course of a few years, or do you think his remorseful expression is evidence of one single really, really shitty decision?
Zack: Gradually. It seems like he adds player numbers as they become stars, which is probably oddly cool for the Raiders. You know you've made it as a Raider when scary-intense Raider tattoo dude adds your number to his face.
Dave: I'm kind of leaning toward the one-session idea because of the tattoo beard-- the artist was like "well, you paid for the full hour, so anything else besides all the Raiders shit?"
Zack: The tattoo beard was a great idea. He liked the look of a beard but all of the gorgeous women he was kissing in his constant steamy makeout sessions complained that it was scratchy.
Dave: Or maybe he was like, "I love having a beard, but shit, I also love shaving."
Dave: Everything is shaved: beard, eyebrows, head, all of it. I think he's just a huge shaving aficionado who couldn't bear to miss an inch, so the beard was his compromise.
Zack: Teams with stupid or boring names never have fans like this. You don't see some dude with CHARGERS across his forehead. If the Lions had any fans they probably wouldn't have tattooed lion faces.
Zack: You would think a team with a cool name like the Ravens would have a dude like this, but with their record they'd be lucky to get the Charm City Cakes guy to wear a Ravens hat. Maybe they could get him to bake them a Super Bowl ring.
Dave: Like you said, this guy might not be a Raiders fan. I was thinking maybe he was a big fan of another team and he was always dissing the Raiders, but his friend from Oakland said "if the Raiders win the Super Bowl, you have to get a ton of Raiders tattoos all over your face," and the dude was like "you're on." This theory falls apart on the premise of the Raiders winning the Super Bowl, though.
Zack: Raiders fans are insane not even including this dude. If they only lose by three touchdowns everyone in Oakland goes nuts and the streets turn into a warzone and...oh wait, that happens whether or not the Raiders are playing.
Zack: That town is so bad people with season tickets only go to the away games.
Dave: But maybe my angle works if they made the wager in 1981, when this dude was four years old. That would explain the total lack of adult judgment present here.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.