Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.
Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.
WOW I sure was bussey latley, sorry I dids not updates teh colamn! Its becuase I haev school and I dont have tiem for thes silley crap becuase SCHOOL COMES FIRST!!! I HATE SCHOOL!!! AND I HATE HATS!!!! AND ScHOOL!!! ONTO TEH LETTARS!1 PS: I haev "spiced up" thes colamn by adding pictures of 0COOL, TEH FAGOT WEBMASTARER OF PLANATQUAKE3.NET!!! BECUASE HES ONE STUPED GUY!
From: Dave Ward
Subject: about your review
After carefully reading your report on the Red Alert 2 game by Westwood. I have come the conclusion that you are a complete and utter retarded plant. You wouldn't know a good game if it hit you in the face. You are no strategy master, the only reason you didn't die within the first minute was cause you build pillboxes in your name. You deserve to be hunted down and killed for sport.
A PLANT??? I AM A RETARTED PALANT??? oh man thes was teh worst EVAR!!! Looks liek somebodey went too grandmas too reads her "1001 CRAZZEY INSULTS" book! AND YUOR GRANDMA IS A SLOBBY PIG HOG TREE TOO!
Lets examine teh facts DAVID WARD about Red Alaert 2, shall we?!?
1) THE GAEME HAS NO STAGETY! I have proofed ovar and ovar againe that I am stragety mastar king, so I know it when soemthing has stragety. For example, look at this I made:
QUAKE 3 AREANA - LOTS OF STRAGETY! Mama Carmack didant raise no fool and JOHNNY knows it! he added much pounds of Stragety into Quaek 3 areeana! there are plasma guns and lava and there arant that in Red Alart 2 and everybodey knows LAVA = STrAGETY! ITS SIMAPL MATH!!
UNREALE TOURNAMINT - NO STRAGETY becuase yuo cant load up crates of Snot Guns into a packaege and say "YO HO HO, IM TIM SWEENTEY AND I SPY SNOT GUNS ON GAMEINGS HORIZONS!" Thats just crazzey talk and Tim Sweetney and his pet robot doggey Cliffry B. should be put in a whelbarrow and sold on EBAY/
KARNOV - LOTS OF STRAGETY becuase theres laddars and bombs and jumping hats and shoes and "K" lettars and "K" stands for "KRANOV" and it all coems full circal when yuo thinks about it.RED ALART 2 - NO STRAGETY! build tanks, tiney men, doggies, flying men, buildings, tanks, lassers, crap cracp crap! IF I WANTED TO BUILD CRAP FROM STUFF, I'D PALAY LEGO NIGHTMARE THANK YUO VARY MUCH.
Red alert 2 was teh worst gaem evar becuase I used STRAGETY and INTELLECT up the ass but I still died and teh computar machene was VICTRORIOUS!!! I should win becuase I did smarat things like building a wall around my money factorey and makeing dogs to eat teh tanks but insteads I suffaraed a horribal loss and Westwood obviouslely dosant know their head from a balloon factory becuase there gaem was a cat turd and Id rathar eat a window than play that mess againe. AS for yuo David Ward, YUO DESERVES TO BE HUNTED DOWN FOR BEING SUCH A FAGOT WHITCH IS ILLEGAL IN MY STATE and thats why yuo cant buy Unreale Tournamint hear ether!
Subject: what the hell!!?
Dude you are such a fucign idiot!!!!! GOD WHAT THE HELL ARE PEOPLE LIKE YOU DOING ON THE INTERNET??? YOU CANT SPEL AND YOUR STUPID SITE SUCKS ASS TAKE YOUR PAGE DOWN MORON
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA OH NO I CANT "SPEL"?!?!? MAYEBE SOMEBODEY HEAR (YUO) SHOULD GO BACK TO KINTERGARDEN BECUASE ITS OBVIOUS YUO ARE ABOUT AS SMART AS A CANDY BeARD. I am sorrey teh childran at school beats yuo up but one day yuo will get big and strong and get muscales and then yuoll be able to go to school and FIGARE OUT HOW TOO TURN ON TEH FURNACE WITH YUOR MUSCALEY ARMS SO YUO CAN JUMP IN AND TEH FIRE WILL BURN FOREVER BECAUSE YUOR FAT BODEY IS 100% FAT GREASE AND OIL LIEK JERRYS MOM!!! except jerrys mom keeps makeing babys liek a fat couch and yuo probaly get beaten up by babyes so dont maeks any ples or at least get a lot of ice for yuor black eyes sir. Or get BABEY INSURANCE!!!.
Over the last few weeks an outnumbered but brave group of men calmly used facts and logic to conclusively prove that women are ruining video games with their lustful object bodies. But there are other threats to everything gamers hold dear.
Sleeping with AC is at this point a basic human right. But if you're one of the doomed souls forced to deal with global warming on a nightly basis, here's an hourly breakdown on how to get the most out of your inferno hellscape of a bedroom.
We're spelunking through the movie catacombs this week. Join us, won't you?
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.