Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.
Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.
TO evarybody out there: STOP EMALING ME!!! NO I DO NOT want too help yuo haX0r www.presciousmomants.com or www.mommystoilit.com or www.myhighschoolsucks.com yuo FAGOTS!!! I DO NOT cARES about yuor stuped problams or if yuo hate yuor fagot freind who runs FAT FACE'S SCHOOL OF WWF WRASSLING PLANET HAT HQ on geocitys!!! SO SHUTS UP YUO DOLDRUMS!!! next person too emales me askeing for HAX0RING gets a fistful of face!!! onto teh lettars before yuo WHINEY DOPES keep teling me too updaets thes high qualety colamn of wit and wisdom.
From: Ryan Cole
Subject: You are the biggest queer I have ever seen!
OMFG! First off your fucking page blows, get out of the HTML century and into the NEW cgi script century you fuck face. This lame shit you got on your page like fucking these weak-ass fake interviews! Secondly, you are one of the ugliest people alive! Dude, do you parade around the halls all day in ur school and think you the hottest piece of shit!? YOU SUCK @ HTML, i have seen better pages on homestead! ALSO, QUAKE 3 : Arena SUX! Half-Life: Counter-Strike is the ONLY ONLINE GAME OUT THERE! If you wanna see what a really web site is supposed to look like: www.gamingwars.com/ia done by me [IA]MaG
LEARN TO SPELL FUCK NUT!
OH HO A MEAN EMALE FROM SOMEBODEY WITH A HIGH QUALEITY WEBSIET OH HO~!!! WOW yuo are MASTAR OF HTAML yuo can pick colars for a messageboard - - - that si vary professianal of yuo and I am impressed so much that I want to ELECTS yuo king of teh Intarnet!!! BUT I am vary offended by yuor mean languaeg sir and yuor baseless insults that I CANT SPELL!!! IF I COULDANT SPELL, WOULD I BE ABLE TO PASS THIS HARD SPELLING TEST AT 100%?!?! WATCH ME FLY, CRETINS:
DOGHOUSE - DOGHOUSE
CONEBEAK - CONEBEAK
SOUP - SOUP
BREAD AND TOBOGAN - BREAD AND TOBOGGAN
FAGOT - RYAN COLE
well it dose appeear to me that I haev ACED THE TEST and my spelling is much bettar than somebody with a HOT MALE adress liek RYAN COLE who says "HELO, WELCOME TO TEH NEW CGI SCRIPT CENTURY MELLINIUM! PLEAS ENJOY A MAN BISCUIT!!!"
if yuo thinks I cant spell mayeb yuo should remembar teh fact that I types vary fast becuse my fingars are possesed by lightning and POWARS OF HAX0RS from teh futare and kevin Nitnack/ OH HO!!! so in summrary, go back to teh rivar, swamp ass
From: Joe O' Brien
Subject: Quake 3
Do you have any demos of yourself playing Quake 3? I'd really like to watch them and try to pick up some tips. Plus, it would be cool to see you kick some guys ass. I bet you could beat Thresh.
I haev beatan Thrash maney tiems but I dont record demos becuase Jerry says if yuo records demos and teh person yuore playing against has a computar virus, yuo gets teh virus when yuo play teh demo! AND IVE read Firing Squid before and thoes guys arant too computar smarats liek me so God only knows what horiabal crap viruses they haev on there computars machenes!!! Probably a lot becuase they dont know how to install Norton Antivirus on MS Telnet liek ME!!!
anyway THrash si not vary good at all!!! When he gots teh big moneys from running GAMMERS.COM he losts his touch and now is not teh ASIAN SENSATIAN he once was! now he is fat and his fingars are too big too beat teh keys. I palayed him in QUaek 2 a few days ago and he played undar teh name "=>CAPTAIN BEEF(WKA)<=" becuase he was afraids othar peoapal would see him getting a POUND ATTACK by JEFF K!!!!! and he would be embarased and his companey would be taken away from him by teh GOVERMENT and then he would haev too go back to being a carpet saleseman. AND I WON!!! to
but Threash did cheats a lot he maed coloared diamonds appear and they made him shoots fastar or do more damage and he shots a red lasser beam and flew across Q2DM2 liek a nutty bat and he uses Aimbot. It was teh acts of a depreate man with nothing too lose and his companey lies in shambals now becuase he lost his touch and his girlfreidn is BEAUTY QUEEN!!! HOT MAMA!!!!!!!
Game of Thrones has mercilessly killed off characters over the years, but these lesser characters are still waiting to meet their fate.
What movies other than Rat Race could be improved by the surprising entrance of Smash Mouth?
day 2: still working on the car
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.