Subject: Fan Club/Zombie Issues
Hey Jeff, I was wondering if it would be all right to start a fan-club based around you and your website. We could make pins that say "Jeff K is a L33T HaxOr" and wear them to strip bars, and then maybe the strippers will say, "You're right, Jeff is a R33T HaxOr", and then they would come to your house. I know at least eight hundred people in my school alone who want a fan club for you. Also, you recently advised my friend that he should in fact NOT kill me, so that I could become a zombie. I plead that you re-think your advice and allow him to make me into the undead.
YES YUO MAY MAKE A WEBPAEG TO WORSHIP JEFF K TEH CYCLOPES WHO IS 40 FEET TALLS AND SHOTS FIRES LASARS FROM HIS EYE WHICH DOES NOT CAUSE DISORIENtATION OR LOSS OPF DEPTH PERCEPTAIN UNLIKE WHAT COMMAN MEDICAL THEORY DICTATES!!!! JEFF K> TEH CLCYCLOPS DEMANDS YUO APPEESE HIM WITH YUOR FAN CLUB AND THEN THE GODS WILL NOT SMITE YUO WITH POWARS OF TEH 100000 PLAGUES:! HERE ARE WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YUO IF A FAN CLUB IS NOT ERACTED HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA EREACTED IN MY HONTOR:
1) PLAGUES OF YOADAS IN A NEST!! THES WILL FALL FROM TEH HEAVANS AND SMITE YUOR HEADS WITH POWARS OF THE UNHOLEY POWAR THEN WHEN YUO TRY TO GO FISHING IT WILL NOT WORK BECUASE YOADS IN A NEST WILL SMITE YOUR BAIT TOO! SO NO FISHING!! SMITE SMITE SMITE
2) AND LO, GOTH FAGOTS SHALL DESCEND FROM TEH HELL AND MAKE YUO LISTAN TO ROBERT SMITH WHINE AND SINGS "THE LOVECATS" all niGHT!!! THEY SHALL BE LED BY THEIR GOD, CHUCKLES McZIGGYKINS 666 HAPPY LOVE DOCTOR SEXY MAN GOTH HEROE WHO WILL GO ON A HUMPING RAMPAGE AND YOUR LEG SHALL BE VICTAM NUMBAR ONE!!! AND HIS SEMEN IS PROBALY ACID TO!
3) RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRR I DONT NEED A NUMBAR THREE I AM A PSYCLOPS!!! AND SYCPLOPTS MEANS "ONE" IN HEBREW SO I ONLY NEED ONE!
Subject: (no subject)
Uhhh...wtf? Art thou human? You asked for a job and misspelled words in the same sentence? omg, and you call yourself 31337!?!?! MUAAHAHAH! I laugh at you! You suck. Your a miserable piece of poser. You play computer games and I bet all my cash you use windows. Your SOOOOOOOOOOO elite man! What a disgrace. Get a life boy! Stop trying to look cool and give some credit to the real hackers out there making the internet free. The real hackers who stay up for days at a time coding so that people can be safer on the internet from script kiddies like you. Take your pokemon picaboo's and go f00k yers3lf!@
RAWWWWRWRRRRRR YUOR LETTAR DISPLIEASES ME GREATLY! ARE YUO JERKOSCILEESE, THE GOD OF STUPID??? PLES SUMMON YUOR POWERS OF STUPID AND MAKE TEH WORALD A BETTAR PLACE FOR TEH CHILDREN, JERKOSCILEESE, INSTEAD OF WRITING YUOR STUPID SMARTY MAN EMALE TOO ME MISTAR *REAL* HAXOR! JEFF K NEEDS A SPECIAL KEYBAORDS TO TYPE ON BECAUSE MY FINGARS ARE TEH SIZE OF TREE TRUNKS AND THE S KEY IS 50000 FEET WIDES! SEE< WATCH:
HA HA HA! FOR A SMARTY MAN, YUO SHOULD MAEYBE KNOW THAT PERHAPS YUO ARE NOT TEH ROBOT FROM RISE OF TEH TRIAD BUT YOU ARE INDEED A STUPID GOOMBAH (AS A CRUEL TWIST OF FATE). LOOK AND THIS WQUOTE FROM YUO WHICH MAKES JEFF K TEH CYCLOPS VARY ANGRY:
Stop trying to look cool and give some credit to the real hackers out there making the internet free
TEH INTARNET IS NOT FREE STUPID, IT COSTS MONEY TO BUY NET NANNY DUHHHHHHH AND OAOL IS 21.99 FOR TEH UNLIMITED PLAN WHICH I USE BECAUSE CYCLOPSES ARE ON THEN INTARNET A LOT www.CYLCOPS.com ALTHOUGH THAT WEBSITE APEARS TO BE AIMED AT FAGOTS SO I SHAL NOT GRACE IT WITH MY PRESENTS CURREANTLY!!!
ALL HAIL TEH MIGHTY JERKOSCILEESE, KING OF PLASTIC HUMMPING MACHINARY
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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