Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.
Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.
gues what guess what guess what?!?! KLast night i saw "CLASH OF TEH TITANS" and it was a vary excellant movie, probaly one of teh best filems i have seen since "SPEED 2". there was medusas and unicrons and a Kracklen, and herculees, and arrow and it was a vary quality film but there was teh best thing too: A CYCLOPS! Cyclops are teh best creeatares in mythology (that is anciant cultare), and i want to be a syclops one day so I will write this column like a cyclopes this week AND MAEYBE I will be a cyclopes soon but i haev to finish some hoemwork first, stupid cshcool>
ON WITH THA LETTARS NOW, STUPID HUMANS!!!!1
From: Fjord Redd
Subject: ID Software
I was just wondering, exactly how many times were you dropped repeatedly on your head as a child? If you ever actually thought you're chances of getting a job with ID Software was greater than that of a toaster learning to fly, you're wrong. I hope someday, a MacDonalds manager takes pity on you and lifts you off the streets to earn minimum wage.
CYCLOPES DONT CARE NONE ABOUT NOne FLYING TOASTARS BECUASE SCREENSAVERS ARE FOR FAGOTs MORTAL BEAINGS!!! ME NOT CARE ABOUT FJORD REDD EITHER, FOR IT SI APPARENTLY OBVIOUS HE IS A TINY LITTLE FRUITY FAGOT WHO I SHALL STEP ON WITTH MY SANDALS I BOUGHT FROM A FINNISH SHOPKEEPAR WITH TEH MONEYS I GOT FROM SQUISHING FAGOTS AT THE MOUNTAIANS YESTARDAY!!!
HELLO FGJORED READ, MISTAR FAGOT IN PRISON. I WILL HELP YUO MAKE BAIL! HAHAHAHA NO I WONT, THERE IS A "THREE STRIKES" RULE NOW SORREY
TO ANSWAR YUOR QUESTION, MISTAR RED FORD, ID SOFTWAREZ HAS OFFARED ME A MANY JOBS BUT I WAS TO BIG TO FIT IN THERE OFFICES BECAUSE I AM A CYCLOPES AND RAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR I PICKED UP JOHN CARMACKE AND BIT HIS HEAD OFF AND IT TASTELED LIKE CHOCLATE!!@ CHOCOLATE FAGOTS, HA HA. RAAAWWR!!!@$, GO BACK TO PROGRAMMING YUOR ENGINE MISTAR CARAMACKE AND I WILL NOT STEP ON YUOR VARY EXPENSIVE PRITTY CARS NOW OKEY?
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.