Subject: Tough Love?
I have a problem and I don't know where to turn. I suspect that my charcter in EverQuest, whom will remain anonymous, is a closet alcholic. He denies it but I see through his lies. Sometimes when I enter the game, my character is camped in another place from where I last saw him (Usually some dark Pub) and when I ask him about it he just scoffs and tells me to mind my own business and buy him food and water, bitch. I am frightened by his new quick temper and fear one day he may not wake up at all!! I think he has already began selling his clothing for booze since 2 nights ago I logged in and he was missing some unassuming items. Oh sure, he blamed it on a bug but I see through his lies again especially that unmistakable odor of cheap Elvish Wine on his breath. Help me Jeff, what should I do?
I CARE NOT ABOUT YUOR PETTY AFAIRES! I AM A CYCLOPS AND WEAR A SILLY HAT ! I AM SOMETIMES A SEAFURBY CYCLOPS ON TEH COASTS AND SOMETIMES I AM A NORMAL CYCLOPS (BUT NOT DROON)! ONE DAY I WILL SEE YUO AND SMASH YOU LIKE THE STUPID HUMAN YUOR ARE AND YOU CANT ROOT ME BECAUSE I HAVE A VARY HIGH SPELL RESITS. WHAT IS HIS ALCOHOL TOLERANCE LLVL??? I ONCE DRANK SOME OF MY DADS BEER AND GOT SOOOOO DRUNK BECAUSE HE BUYS TEH FANCY, IMPORTAED BEER WHICH IS BETTAR THAN AMAERICAN BEER IT IS NAMED "O'DOULS" AND YUO GET DRUNJK VARY FAST OFF IT
Jeff, I was really confused and scared and I didn't know what to do, so I decided I should ask you...
Which game is better: EverQuest, Ultima Online, or Asheron's Call? What is the difference? I don't know what to buy!
LUNIX TORLVALVADES CREATED LUNIX HE IS A GENIUS BUT HAS TWO EYES, NOT A CYCLOPS LIKE ME, SO PERHAPS I AM BETTAR OFF. HERE IS SOMETHING TO HELP YIOU OUT:
EVERQUEST: LOTS OF PSYCOLPS, IT SI TEH FEELGOOD EXPERIANCE OF THE YeAR
ULTIMA ONLINE: IS VARY HAX0R FRIENDLY< MAEYBE YUO SHOULD PALAY THAT AND HAXoR A CYCLOPS TO FOLLOW YUO, ALTHOUGH HE MAY STILL SMASH YOU BECUASE WE ARE LOOSE CANONS
ASHERON'S CALL: MICOORSOFT PRODUCT, SORELY LACKING IN QUALEITY. NO CYCLOPS PROBALY. PLAY THIS IF YUO WANT TO BE KNOWN AS A STUPID. USES VOxaLS I THINK
Subject: a some what, semi-not really important question
Hello, 1st I would like to say I like the colum (very funny). Any how about the question. Who do you think is better looking Jane or Judy Jetson?
THE OLDAR THE MEAT, TEH SWEETER HER TEET. SINCE I AM VARY TALL AND CYCLOPSIAN, I PREFER TEH ROBOT WHATEVER HER NAME WAS< TEH MAID CLEANING ROBOT I THINK SHE WAS NAMED "BITCHY BETTEY" OR SOMETHINGS SIMILAR. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR CYCLOPS HAEV PROPORTIANOALLY LARGE TESTICALS!
From: Belzemos # 2418-B
Subject: (no subject)
I just got done reading through your web page. (well, trying to read it anyway) Let me just say this, rent a brain. I've never seen such a ridiculous page in my entire life. Throughout the entire page you say how you are so much better than everyone else, yet you can't seem to spell, or type anything right. In my opinion you're one of those people who has such a low self esteem, that all they can do it cut other people down. I've not seen one thing one this page that makes me think the slightest good thing about you, let alone anything really great. How about you stop trying to be so cool, and focus on something a little more natural for yourself: being the complete loser you are.
P.S. at least your picture measures up to the rest of you: Ugly LOSER
IMPRIOTANT CYCLOSPS TO BELZAERMOS MESSAGE! IMPORTENT CYCLOPES TO BELZEMOMOS MESSAGE:
SHUT UP FAGOT
THAT IS ALL.
FUNNY MOMENT THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME OF THE WEEK:
BACK WHEN I WASENT A 60 FOOT TALLS CYSCLOPES, ME AND JERRY WAS AT TEH DIARY QUEEN AND A HOT CHICK WAS WORKING AT THE COUNTAR AND JERY WANTED TO ASK HER OUT BUT WAS TO EMBARASSED TOO SO I SAID "GO ASK HER OUT YUO STUPID FAGOT" AND THEREWS A ICE CREAM SUNDAYS AT HIS HEAD. THEN JERRY WENT UP TO ASK HER ON A DATE AND HE PEED HIS PANTS BECUASE HE WAS SOO NERVOUS AND WE LAUGHED AT HIM AND HE RAN HOME AND CRIED WHICH SUCKED BECUASE I LEFT MY NINTINDO LIGHT GUN AT HIS HOUSE AND HE LOCKED ME OUT SO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?
I FORGOT BUT MAYEB I WILL REMEMBAR NEXT WEEK ARE MAYBE I WILL AD IT IN WHEN I REMEMABER LATER BUT PRONBLY NOT OKEY????#
SEND ME MORE EMALE AND I WILL WRITE ABOUT YUO IN MY COLUMN NEXT WEEK AND WRITE BETTAR QUESTIONS bceayse some of them were frankely dumb. and if yuo send me meane emales, i will put yuor adress in the lettar like the ppl above so everybody knows yuo = fagot.
- JEFF K>
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.