Dear Backyard Love:

I am very attracted to one of my coworkers who happens to be married. Just recently he started flirting relentlessly with me and I've found that I really like it. Now we spend all sorts of time at each others desks and find reasons to touch each other (not in sexual ways though). A few days ago, he told me that his wife knows all about me and that she gets a kick out of it. I told him that there's no way he told his wife about me. He said that his wife knows he is only "window shopping" and that he would never hurt her. Whatever. So, I was ready to forget about him since he was only playing around. But then the next day he touched my boob and grabbed my ass! To me, he has crossed the line of safe "window shopping" and has begun to "handle the merchandise." My question is this: what does he want from me? His mixed signals are making me very angry and confused. I want him to know that I would let him fuck my brains out (that's all - no relationship) but I don't want to make an ass out of myself. After all, we have to work together and I don't want to lose either our friendship or our professional relationship. How do I find out his intentions? Please let me know.

Signed,
Confused

MC CAUCASIAN GHOST: Yo yo ya horny bitch. I'm gonna answer dis one Slim Shady style:

MC Caucasian ghost is your host with the most
I don't really care if you a bitch from east or west coast
But you lady in the office wants to have some bouncy-bounce?
Let me buy ya a 40 and drink it by the ounce
You a little pissed about the little window shoppin?
I got a World War II handgun so its caps I'll be poppin'
I won a bunch of matches and I fight playaz day and nightly
Makin all crippled after facin' Whitey Mighty
I face you playahs and grabs your hair
Then I throw you off da trampoline and hit ya with a barbwire chair.

Also just tell him you open to bidness like the bitch ho you are wit a sly whisper you stank ho.

"BADASS" SHAWN MCCULLUM: Hello horny office gal! A/S/L???! Up in the great green north we have no time for your mating dances! Last year when I was at the Toronto Argunauts game and I couldn't wrestle because I was too big a man for all the floozers who hang out in my league where I am the real star, a young lady batted the eyebrows at me and there was none of this delay of game or such-and-such State nonsense! LOL! ROTFL! You Americans messed up your election but ours was over in just a few hours! LOLOL! Why you make jokes about us and our proud Mounties makes me mad and our beer is FAR better and we have better skiers and the Blue Jays won the world series once and many of America's so called "celebrities" are from Canada. And wrestlers too of course like the Hart family and Bret and OWEN (rest in peace bros) and I know a cousin of theirs who spells his name "Haert" but is still related and I nearly broke his back when I threw him into a deck and he landed on a bird bath at weird angle but the pics are at my web site and you should just pin your legs behind your ears or whatever you women do.

Dear Backyard Love:

I have been broken up with my girlfriend for over four months now. We were together for about 8 months, and practically married because we spent every day with each other. Since we have broken up, she does not want to get back into a relationship with me and claims she lost her love for me. I feel heartbroken, but I'm scared to get back into a relationship as well. When we were together, we did fight a lot, but we had a lot of good times together too. I'm always hurt because I have classes with her everyday and I always see her at the same college parties that I go to on the weekends. Guys are always hitting on her, and it kills me to see it. And no matter how hard I try, I can't sleep for many nights at a time and I feel completely lonely, empty and depressed inside. I'm scared too, of being alone. Why do you think that I miss her and can't let go of her? It tears my heart up when I think about her being with anyone else but me. How can I let go? Sometimes I wish I could just move away from here and run away from all of this. I can't let go and I'm scared.

Signed,
Scared of the Future

SKELETON SPANKS: Your problem, foolish miscreant, is that you have too many "buts" and not enough "butts." Nothing quite takes the mind of a love-lost like an arousing match with an opponent who is equal or better than you, preferably wearing very tight Spandex pants which hug his body like a very tight condom around a man-steak. You must shift your obsession away from this so-called "ex-girlfriend" and move to a more healthy and wholesome activity such as the sport of backyard wrestling as I, Skeleton Spanks did.

I used to be a professional hoodlum, forever encountering the patrons of the law during a particular "roughshod" spot of my life. I had been investigated for violating some silly-such nonsense state rules regarding photos of children who I honestly thought to be of legal age but upon lawful investigation turned out to be 3 years old. Upon being released from my vile holding-cell, I realized I needed to take my mind off such an unhealthy passion. The pure physical activity of backyard wrestling did it for me! I now don a mask so various law-enforcement cannot discern my identity from my opponent dressed in a bloody Pokemon outfit and I begin the spanking of defeat. Don a mask and challenge the lady-friend to a friendly wrestling event and if after the ordeal is finished you still feel regret, break her arms and apply a forceful blow to her ass cheeks.

Dear Backyard Love:

Recently a few of my male friends were planning a bachelor party for one of their cohorts. Let me just say up front that I am no prude when it comes to these types of parties; I understand that the normal male bachelor party experience typically involves an expensive dinner, lots of drinking, the smoking of cigars, and a visit to a strip club with absurd amounts of money for lap dances (I also have friends who would rather spend a weekend camping or golfing with their male friends, but I do not condemn the former approach). I was very disturbed to learn that this particular bachelor party was being planned in one of their apartments, and that the pair of female "entertainers" were being brought in not only to put on their show, but to "service" the groom and the best man. Additional services would be provided to others attending as the girls agreed. I was then told that this is par for the course, really quite normal behavior at bachelor parties ("It happens 90% of the time"); the only reason why I had not heard of it happening was because nobody talks about it. Is this true? And why on earth in this day in age, when people are getting married later, with more sexual experience under their belts, would getting oral sex from or having sex with a prostitute right before your wedding be considered "normal" or any less of a violation that to receive the same at any other point in your relationship? Please explain how to make sense of all of this.

Signed,
Bachelor Banned

EL TERROR DE FUEGO: BACK IN THE RUNNING DAYS MY LADY MARITIA SAID IT WAS TIME TO BE WED BUT THIS I DID NOT REMEMBER SAYING YES TO. WHY DO WOMEN ALWAYS PICK THE WORST TIME? I WAS IN A MATCH WITH THE TERRIBLE TUMOR AND I WAS ABOUT TO FINISH HIM UP AND PICK AT HIS SKULL, BUT THE WOMAN WHO THE NAME ESCAPES ME BITCHED ABOUT GETTING A BABY OR KNOCKING ON A DOOR AND GETTING A BABY SLICED INTO HER BELLY! IT WAS SILLY BECAUSE IN THE ARENA OF DEATH THE ONLY EXIT IS THE DEATH AND FIRE OF MY VARIOUS VERTICAL SPINE RIPPING MOVES.

AT A BACHELOR PARTY IT IS CUSTOMARY TO HAVE A RELATION WITH A ILL REPUTE BUT DOES THIS METHOD OF LIFE STICK TO YOUR SOUL??? I WILL SEE FOR MYSELF WHEN I RIP IT FROM MY LIFELESS OPPONENT AND ENGAGE IN THE REPLACEMENT OF HIS KEY VITAL ORGANS WITH FURNITURE ADORNING THE RINGSIDE.

SERVANTS OF MISERY: As darkness descends upon the end of a human's pointless existence, it is customary to attempt to mask his failure in life by the demeaning of others. We fell pray to this ourselves back in the school days when pretty girls like you were sleeping with your daddy and kissing up to the football captain and this was when our despair seeped to its lowest point. However now that we unleash the unholy fury of the power of our Dark Lord upon those foolish enough to oppose us in the square circle, we no longer harbor such deep regrets. So enjoy the thought of your male friends going camping, only to spend hours of passion beneath nature's unyielding gaze as they engage in unnatural debauchery. Or, if you prefer, the fresh image of an aging whore's painted lip as she milks the dark seed from another future Knight of Satan's service. Fucking ignorant tramp.

WE HAVE PASSED JUDGMENT UPON YOU AND THE VERDICT IS YOUR SOUL! PAY THE ETERNAL BAILIFF ON YOUR WAY TO DEATH'S CANYON!

Have a question? Send it in to Backyard Love!

– Backyard Love

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