Dear Backyard Love:

I have been separated from my husband since July. I recently started going out and I have been very disappointed by the men that I have been meeting. I make sure that I ask the question: Are you married or seriously involved with someone? Every single man, except one, answered yes! But they still want your phone number saying that should not stop us from becoming friends. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE MEN? My question is this, do men view commitment differently than women? Also, where do you go to meet nice men?

Signed,
Lonely in Atlanta

MC CAUCASIAN GHOST: Yo yo yo baby, you be fat or something? Cause usually mah brothahs and I, when we kickin' it at the library during fourth period study class, sometimes these skank ass fat hos come up to us and is like "yo, what up?" and we like "sheeeit niggah, yo cholesterol, bitch" and they like "damn, you ain't gonna play me like DAT" so we like "bitch, there ain't no game here, yo fat ass eat all the motherfucking pieces!" cuz there's no way we be shackin up with no niggah like that, you know what I mean? So maybe you just be storing a few tons of Twinkies under your fat ass or something, cause damn, my brothers and me will hook up but not with nothin so fat that I could lose my Rolex in its skin pores, bitch.

If I can't pick yo fat ass up and throw you into a bunch a chairs and shit that's on fire, I ain't interested ya skanky ho. I ain't got dis Central Wisconsin Junior Extreme Wrestlin' belt for bein a little bitch. Im the real deal, so step up.

EL TERROR DE FUEGO: MEN FIND YOU TO BE OF A DISPLEASING SCENT PERHAPS! BANNING THE EXTRA FACIAL HAIR WHICH DOES GROW FROM YOUR SKIN AS A MIGHTY OAK TREE, ONLY MORE OF A OILY NATURE, SHOULD BE A PLEASANT START. WHY DID YOUR HUSBAND LEAVE, PERHAPS DUE TO THE RAW DISGUST YOU GENERATED IN HIS LOINS? MY FEMALE LADY MARITIA ONCE DID ATTEMPT TO LEAVE ME BECAUSE OF THE CONSTANT RETCHING I PARTAKE IN AFTER A SUCCESSFUL VICTORY IN THE MATS, BUT I DID COME AFTER HER WITH THE TURN-AROUND SLAM TWIST ATTACK, NOW SHE SLEEPS IN THE WELL OUTSIDE THE BARN AND SHE HAS NOT MOVED SINCE THAT NIGHT.

IN THE WRESTLING ARENA I DO FACE MANY OPPONENTS OF VARIED VARIETIES, AS PROVEN BY MY PROWESS IN DEFEATING ARMIES OF THESE ENEMIES! HOWEVER I HAVE NO DESIRE TO ANSWER YOUR ORIGINAL QUESTION AS I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHAT IT WAS BEING AND I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO OPERATE THIS MACHINE WITH SUFFICIENT PROWESS. BEGONE NOW, YOU SHALL RECEIVE NO PITY FROM THIS HERO OF CHILDREN AND GROWN MEN ALIKE.

Dear Backyard Love:

My boyfriend and I have been dating quite a while now. We have hot sex and are very experimental. One thing I have grown extremely fond of is when he sticks his finger in me from behind. Nothing can make me come quicker. After a lot of discussion and several failed attempts, we are coming to you to ask advice on how we can engage in anal sex. He has tried to slide it in from behind, from the front, from the side, about any way you could imagine. Unfortunately, it has always hurt me so much that I want to cry. He doesn't want to try anymore because he doesn't want to hurt me, but I REALLY WANT IT!!! I know I would love it if we could get it right. Since neither of us have anyone to ask, we want your advice. How do most couples have anal sex? Does it always hurt so much? Should we try using a lubricant? We are eagerly awaiting your response.

Signed,
Analady

SKELETON SPANKS: I cannot believe this - you make me sick with your dirty language and the total disrespect! You have no respect for the buttocks dear madam! "Anal sex" as you refer to it is for the nasty people who frequent corner city grocery stores and buy very old canned pumpkin mix with food stamps, and as a teacher I tell my students not to buy foodstuffs at these establishments. You must stop all this talk of violating the ass area which I consider to be a fortress or a secret government facility that is under very much lock and key. You must not open the backdoor because the secret inside will choke you to lose oxygen and possibly you will lose your nose in the scuffle as well.

If you cannot resist the ability to mess around with an ass please consider alternative games that will not violate the sanctity of butt. I think "Whack-a-Butt" is a good game. It is like the trendy carnival game "Whack-a-Mole" only you whack someone's butt and collect tickets from their mouth. You must convince the other person to hold tickets in their mouth (waterproof them for later redemption) and if I am playing Whack-a-Butt they must have a big mouth because I am a good player and will collect many tickets. Also there is bottom-tenderizer game which is where you whack the butt fat until you cannot sit down because it is so tender. Remember to respect the hiney because you must sit down on it as well and any desk maven will tell you that is a great privilege to have a butt.

Pat a butt with a respect and you will get that respect back in many forms. Perhaps you will lose weight and not be such a gossip silly-man half-woman but this I seriously doubt because your hair is too big for your head and you obviously have little moral ground to keep balance upon!

Dear Backyard Love:

Four months ago I got into a relationship with a man I thought really cared for me. He was every thing I could have dreamed of - minister in church and a loyal, loving, caring, respectful type of guy. Then a month ago, he changed into this person I did not even know was there. He started to use a lot of curse words and became very abusive towards me and my daughter. He also began to see other women and would try to hide the fact from me. He did not want me at his apartment or to ride in his car. I am trying to find out what I did wrong. I was very sweet to this man. I am a very beautiful woman with morals. Recently we broke up and he wants to be friends and still have sex with me but without the commitment. Am I that bad of a woman that the only thing I am good for is sex?

Signed,
Hurt and Heartbroken

"BADASS" SHAWN MCCULLUM: probably/ LOL ROTFEL LOLOLOLOLOLOLOOPLLLL

SERVANTS OF MISERY: Your ignorance is mind-boggling, bitch. Eventually all you puny and fragile humans will fall and bow to your one dark lord, Satan. The only way for you to attract a man is to get over your pathetic high and mighty attitude, you yuppie fucker. You stupid "beautiful" bitches don't know shit. You act like you're all pretty and you sleep with the football captain and your daddy buys you BMWs and your friends constantly beat us up and use our greasy faces to lubricate your car engine, but you're going to pay. Oh yes, you'll all fucking pay, you egocentric bitches. You come out to "East Tennessee Backyard Summer Slam 2001" in Morgan's Swamp and we'll toss your preppy ass around the ring like a rag doll, bitch. While you've been watching your network TV and listening to your trendy pop culture Brittany Spears shit songs and downloading Norton Antivirus, we've been expanding our minds and becoming one with the dark nature. You think you know us? You don't know us. We dress in all black and paint black tears on our face because we're so fucking deep, just like Marylin Manson, you preppy shitbag.

THE SERVANTS OF MISERY CAN SEE YOUR WEAKNESSES AND SHALL EXPLOIT THEM LIKE A CHAIR WHICH HAS WEAK LEGS THAT BREAK WHEN AN OPPONENT IS THROWN ONTO IT FROM FAR ABOVE, SUCH AS FROM A TRAMPOLINE OR A TOOLSHED.

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