Welcome to the biweekly love and advice column, "Backyard Love", where YOUR
personal and private love questions are answered by some of the most talented backyard wrestlers in the industry! We study and hand-pick the top five backyard wrestlers twice a month and give them YOUR
email questions! Feel free to ask them about anything
in your love or private life, ranging from people you may have a crush on, to sexual dysfunctions that you fear may be slowly killing you!
Today's Backyard Love experts are:
NAME: FUCK YOU NINJA!!!
RECORD / DIVISION: 48-3-3 (Mike Perry's Northeast Langford Backyard Federation)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Silent Twilight ASSHOLE" (running around the ring in circles while cursing at opponent and throwing lawn furniture, preferably lit on fire and wrapped with barbwire, at them)
BACKGROUND: The mysterious FUCK YOU NINJA!!! appeared in the backyard wrestling circuit around 1998, with nothing but a pure white mask, hockey jersey, and the will to defeat all challengers in his way. Despite his self professed strategy of "cunning, silent, and surprising" attacks, the FUCK YOU NINJA!!! seems to be limited by his advanced case of Tourette's Syndrome, which causes him to randomly shout profanities and blow his cover. When undertaking particularly stealth-filled missions, the FUCK YOU NINJA!!! stuffs his mouth with a rolled up sock, but he still usually manages to become detected by uncontrollably banging trashcans with a wooden stick.
QUOTE: "In the dead of the SHITFAG night, nobody is BASTARD safe from my blackened hand of justice CUNT BUTT WHORE GRAB ASS APPLE COW SHIT."
NAME: Revolutionary Scarecrow
RECORD / DIVISION: 34-2-1 (Iowa Cornfuckahz League)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Hay-Fork-U!" (hits opponent with metal chair to knock them onto the mat, then stabs then repeatedly in the back of the neck with his pitchfork in an attempt to harvest foe's brain for his own evil purposes)
BACKGROUND: Not much is known about the mysterious Revolutionary Scarecrow, other than the fact that he has led farm uprisings in several states, seems to be able to talk to animals, and stuffs his clothing with hay. Incredibly violent and catastrophically dirty, the Revolutionary Scarecrow is a feared opponent who refuses to wrestle without his pitchfork, a preference which has kept him out of more high-class and respected wrestling leagues like the USWLWW. His only two losses occurred when birds pecked the Scarecrow into submission, apparently mistaking the Scarecrow's odor for that of a long-dead corpse.
QUOTE: "I will got a brain and it is you!"
NAME: Servants of Misery
RECORD / DIVISION: 12-8-4 (Jim's Bare Knuckles Wrasslin' Competition League)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Satan's Buzzkiller" (picking up flaming chairs and tables, lifting them into the air, and then throwing them at their opponents)
BACKGROUND: After being repeatedly beat up by the "cool kids" at Kenningston High School, the Servants of Misery grouped together and formed a backyard wrestling tag-team. They began to become obsessed with the mystic "black arts", participating in such unholy and evil activities as "listening to Marilyn Manson CDs" and "wearing black socks." The Servants of Misery believe Satan gives them magical powers, allowing them to furiously grope their opponents and apply obscene amounts of white pancake makeup to their faces.
QUOTE: "Satan favors wrestlers who take lumps of coal and write random symbols and lines all over their faces."
NAME: El Terror De Fuego
RECORD / DIVISION: 52-1-6 (El Paso Kickass Backyard Wrestling Coalition)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Death Lunge" (picking up opponent, lifting them into the air, and then throwing chairs and tables at them which have been laced with barbwire and lit on fire)
BACKGROUND: El Terror De Fuego, who was cursed with Alzheimer's Disease since the age of 8, grew up in Tiajuana. When he was 12 he tried to escape and cross the border to the US. However, upon entering the States, he forgot why he ran across the border to begin with. He immediately ran back to his home, only to remember why he fled in the first place, causing him to turn around and run past the border once more. A few scant minutes after crossing the border, El Terror De Fuego forgot why he was running. This kept happening for the next six years, at which point he realized he had become very fast and powerful. Instead of trying out for the Olympics, El Terror De Fuego decided to become a backyard wrestler because he was attracted by the lure of "free used paint buckets."
QUOTE: "MY FIRE BURNS YOU DEADLY BUT YOU CAN YET BE SMOTHERED BY ME! OF FIRE! HA HA MAKE YOUR PEACE OR BURN?"
NAME: Geoff "Skeleton Spanks" Krakes
RECORD / DIVISION: 3-25-8 (West Erie "Unleashed" Circuit)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "The Underspanker" (throwing opponent over knee, spanking him three times while yelling "NO REST FOR THE WICKED!" each time, followed by simulated anal rape at the hands of a rocking chair )
BACKGROUND: Geoff "Skeleton Spanks" Krakes is a Rochester, NY native that likes to leave the ring with the warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that his fallen foe probably won't be able to sit for a few days. While other wrestlers attack their opponent's legs, elbows, and eyes, Skeleton Spanks goes right for the ass. Using a combination of backhanded and front-side spanking (combined with the occasional "ass kickin"), Skeleton Spanks attempts to weaken the flesh in his victim's backside before going in for the kill with his patented "The Underspanker" finishing move. Unfortunately his homophobic opponents who wear tights and prance about like square dancers do not always appreciate Krakes and his "attack from the rear" strategies. He's been hospitalized for the last few months following a four-story tumble off the top of Buffalo's highest Dairy Queen, courtesy of a former opponent who apparently didn't care too much for Geoff's unorthodox style. When he's not wrestling, Geoff teaches fourth grade at Erie Elementary school.
QUOTE: "Fist in the air and eyes of undead! I'm going to smack your buttocks until they're all red!"
Now that today's experts have been introduced, onto the questions!