This article is part of the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant series.
Dear Mr. Caveman
We here at the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant pride ourselves on recognizing dogs with exceptional characteristics. However, your dog went a little too far outside our comfort zone. Kennel Fair strives always to celebrate the canine form at its finest, and as such we consider birth defects to be just that -- defects.
Normally I'd say that a dog with two heads is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I'd call it a rare treat, especially for the dog(s). Many dogs suffer loneliness, but when two dogs share the same body, they always have the benefit of each other's company.
Unfortunately, when one of the heads is dead, the experience is anything but pleasant. We feel great pity for Brineswell, the lone-surviving head. Spending every waking moment shadowed by your dead brother is a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I would recommend you have Brineswell put down immediately so that he might find some peace. Another option is to have the dead head amputated, but such a procedure would come at great cost and risk. But, if you plan to put Brineswell down anyway, the risk part is hardly worth mentioning.
Wishing you the best,
Richard W. Beauregard
P. S. It occurs to me I forgot to inform you that Brineswell will not be attending the semifinals. Good luck sorting out his medical problems!
Dear Ms. Roanoke,
Kudos on raising a terrific Alaskan Malamute. Brigadier was a beautiful dog with a great disposition, and earned some of the highest marks we've ever awarded. All of us judges had nothing but good things to say about his coat, stance and stoic discipline.
That's why it pains me to inform you that Brigadier is disqualified from attending the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant semifinals. You did nothing wrong as an owner, breeder and trainer. As far as I'm concerned, you did everything right. In fact, you and Brigadier made short work of any competition.
The problem is we just don't like your dog. Something about him rubbed us the wrong way. We could get specific about why we didn't like your dog, but since this is already in the past, it would be disrespectful for us to give any examples and only lead to more hurt feelings.
We hope this doesn't discourage you from entering future competitions. With your talents as a trainer and keen skills as a breeder, you'll have a winning dog in no time.
Thanks for your time,
Richard W. Beauregard
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Kennel Fair is one of the premier organizations celebrating the majesty of the canine form. Through its numerous publications and ongoing Dog Pageants--hosted throughout the United States-- Kennel Fair sets the standards all dogs and their owners strive to meet.