Chapter Four - The Filthy Towel-Heads Are a Wonderful CivilizationIraq's President Saddam Hussein shows his winning and honest smile.I am indignant - nay - outraged at this supposed "war against terrorism" extending into Iraq. Wasn't it bad enough that we dropped hundreds of bombs on the innocent people of Afghanistan? Didn't they bleed enough to slake your thirst for death President George W Bushanti-Christ?! While the callous braying of the Republicans can be heard throughout congress and the senate, demanding more corpses on the altar of the oil barons and the military contractors, the Democrats are standing idly by doing nothing. They fear accusations of being unpatriotic, they fear losing their voting public, and they have lost all will to oppose the powers-that-be. I am telling you now, WAKE UP DEMOCRATS, wake up America too! This has to stop before our military crushes and bullies another nation under its heel.
I hear Islam getting blamed by the talking heads of the right, while the president claims it isn't a religious war he may as well since he's rounding up everyone with brown skin and putting them in camps without trial! Islam is a religion of peace, it has a proud tradition of tolerance and intellectualism. Just because a few crackpots on the fringe are killing in the name of Islam doesn't mean that Islam as a whole is to blame. What about the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, Walt Disney, and the TV show "7th Heaven"? Should all of Christianity be blamed for these attacks against all of humanity? Of course not, and neither should the worshippers and religion of Islam!
To get a feel for this sort of "Anti-Islam" attitude growing in the United States, I traveled to Iraq and interviewed some people on the streets. What I found was not a hateful nation driven by anti-American feelings, it was rather a people broken by lack of food and medical supplies thanks to outlandish UN sanctions. The people of Iraq love peace, and so does their leader Saddam Hussein. He has been demonized by the press here but I managed to land a brief interview with him in an effort to get the word out about how the current administration here was skewing his words and painting an inaccurate picture of him for propaganda purposes.
Me: Mr. Hussein, it's a pleasure to meet a humanitarian such as yourself. How do you feel about President George W. Bush?As you can plainly see from this interview Saddam Hussein is a peace loving man who wants no part in a war with the United States. I think President George W. Bush needs to take a long and hard look at himself before he accuses Saddam of being a part of the "Axis of Evil".
Saddam: I feel he should be skewered on a burning pike and his entrails emptied out upon the ground. He is a despicable man whose father tried to beat me and could not.
Me: Yes, I see, what do you plan to do if the United States invades Iraq?
Saddam: I will send millions of American soldiers home in body bags just like I did during the last war that the Americans completely lost, those imperialist swine.
Me: Well, there's probably only going to be a few hundred thousand soldiers so-
Saddam: SILENCE! Still your tongue or I will have it chewed off by snakes and have your fingers sliced off with razors!
Me: Mr. Hussein, is it true that you killed thousands of Kurds with a poison gas attack?
Saddam: I am a man of peace and so are the people of Iraq. The Kurds were victims of the Zionist regime of Israel, who disguised their warplanes as ours and killed our own people. As if I would ever hurt one of my own citizens!
Me: Well it is rumored that you killed one of your own sons and several of your wives.
Saddam: Allah willed their deaths, not me.
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.