Chapter Two - We Must Take All the Guns to Save Our Babies!This girl is crying because guns killed her family.Columbine, John F. Kennedy, Ruby Ridge, the list of victims of gun violence could go on for pages, yet thanks to a Republican party completely in the pocket of the NRA lobby we have virtually no chance of taking our babies out of harm's way. While the blood of our children and our friends runs through the streets like so much water the Republicans do nothing but sit in their ivory towers counting money in a briefcase hand-delivered by Charlton Heston. The only way we can change this horrible situation is by voting for people who support gun legislation that gets the guns out of the hands of people who don't know how to use them and put them back in the hands of people who do; the police, the military, and my personal bodyguards. Remember that people don't kill people, guns break into your house and rape you and then shoot you.
Let me appeal to your irrational emotional side by conveying an event that was related to me by a young girl in the ghetto and to which I can provide no factual backing. I spend a lot of time at community outreach facilities like Midnight Basketball and The Harlem Girl's School of Fencing, so I know exactly what it's like on the streets. I was introduced to a young girl, we will call her "Sally" to make it even more impossible for critics to disprove this story. She had a fighting spirit, she was getting excellent grades in school, and she belonged to a number of extracurricular activities. She achieved all of this despite her tragic physical ailments which included only having one eye, her entire face being covered with disfiguring acid scars, having two artificial legs, an artificial arm, and a pacemaker. In the bullet-pocked shelter of the "Little Ladies School for Synchronized Swimming" young "Sally" told me her sad story.This puppy is crying because guns killed his owners and he was forced to live off of their rotting corpses for over a month.In 1995, at the tender age of seven, little "Sally" was watching her younger brother in the living room of her home. Her mother was in the kitchen preparing dinner and her father was fast asleep on the couch after a hard day of honest work helping the neighborhood mysterious glass vial dealer. Suddenly armed white gunmen burst into the home, they were hunters who were very drunk and they had mistaken the house for a duck blind. They then proceeded to drunkenly mistake "Sally" and her entire family for particularly large and slow-moving ducks. The blasted "Sally" and her little brother with over a hundred rounds of Tech-9 ammunition, grievously injuring her and killing her brother instantly. Before he father had a chance to leap to his feet he too was gunned down. The intoxicated hunters then ran into the kitchen and sexually assaulted "Sally's" mother before shooting her execution-style. This all happened because a few drunken hunters who legally purchased their firearms had mistaken a hard-working American family for several ducks.
You would think the conservatives and particularly Johndolph Hitlercroft at the Justice Department would do something to safeguard the lives of our precious babies from guns, but instead they seem to think that these crazy people have a right to have them! For example, here is a quote from a post-September 11th speech given by John Ashcroft.
"Guns...isn't the problem…everyone…should have…a…gun. I feel…nothing…but hatred…for African Americans today and hope…that they…were killed by secondary explosions in the building."If that is not the most despicable quote I have ever heard I simply don't know what is! Shame on you Republicans for voting for the man that put this man into office! As conscientious citizens of this proud nation we must act and act quickly to take every single gun out of the home, every single pistol away from every single mall cop, and every single black powder rifle away from every single vile civil war reenactor.
- John Ashcroft.
This Halloween, the most terrifying house for policemen is opening its doors. If you're a cop, get ready to have nightmares!
Ariana Grande? No way! Here's a podcast that looks squarely at Ariana Grande and says, ‘No way!’
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.