7) Boom-Box Breastplate
With a whopping integrated 2 megabytes of internal flash memory, these stereo nipple protectors are programmed to constantly pump out a deafening playlist consisting of "Who Let the Dogs Out?" , "Who Let the Dogs Out? (Dancefloor MegaMix Remix)" and the crowd-pleasing "Who Let the Dogs Out? (Orchestral Version)" performed by a collaboration between the London Philharmonic Orchestra and DJ Fartz .

8) Tokyoflash "Pop It Bubbles" Wristwatch
Tokyoflash, the uncontested pioneers of bulky, illegible, plastic wrist chunks, created this original piece for all Gears soldiers fighting in the great War of Whatever It Is They're Fighting About.. Reading the watch is as simple as one-two-three thousand:

1. Every 10 minutes: the watch briefly flashes red.
2. Every 15 minutes: the watch briefly flashes red twice.
3. Every 30 minutes: the watch briefly flashes blue (once on even hours, twice on odd hours).
4. Every 50 minutes: the watch briefly flashes blue (twice on even hours, once on odd hours).
5. Every hour: the watch emits a blinding white light which causes chemical burns and can be spotted from miles away.

To determine the correct hour, wearer must simply solve Goldbach's Conjecture and then add 1.

9) Colored Highlighter Carry Pouches (Special)
This attachment, created specifically for Marcus Fenix's Gears squad, holds up to one highlighter per pouch. It is perfect for marking script lines, thereby preventing a soldier from accidentally shouting "come get some!!!" when they should instead be shouting "is that all you got?!?" or the controversial "OH YEAH!!!"

10) Lockable Thigh Pocket
Gears soldiers repeatedly complained their thigh pockets were "too accessible" and "very easy to use." After decades of research, combat engineers created these revolutionary lockable thigh pockets which can only be unsealed with a flathead screwdriver. As a result, each soldier on the battlefield has been advised to carry at least one flathead screwdriver inside their lockable thigh pockets.

11) Patented Four-Strap Titanium Boots
Did you know the standard Gears combat boot is composed of several thousand interweaving nano-fibers weighing approximately 58 pounds each? Although the footwear alone composes nearly 73% of a soldier's total weight, this is negated by the 97% chance of successfully extinguishing a cigarette when stepping upon it. Government officials now require all soldiers to wear this model as a direct result of the Montefusco Great Hay and Wheat Disaster. The four-strap attachment system was implemented once scientists realized the boots could only be tied with shoelaces of rebar.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.