Welcome back, Adverse Interests, LLC. you are now logged in. Thank you for choosing FIST for your staffing needs. We hope OPERATION ASTRO PANIC went well!

You have 5 Henchman Status Updates awaiting your immediate attention.

Your credit with us is good.

Henchman Status Update (1 of 5)
The status of Maimtron has been changed from ACTIVE to DESTROYED.
Name: Mech-988, Kill (DESTROYED)
Codename(s): Maimtron, Hurtbot, Woundroid
Join Date: 1-1-01
Primary Role: Robotic Killer
Secondary Role: Blasting, scanning, marching purposefully, exhorting doom.
Specialties: Indefatigableness, 99.9% accuracy with The Scorpion Corporation Lady's Deluxe Anti-Human Blaster, bend bars/lift gates/throttle geese, nude strafing.

Availability: On Hire (hire)
Contracted To: Adverse Interests, LLC.
Term of Hire: 30 days or d/c/f

DESTRUCTION PAYOUT: 300,000 USD to Randian Logistics, Inc. (manufacturer).

Average Customer Rating: (rate)

Customer Review:

Great for parades, mazes

Reviewed by Lt. Colonel Mangler
First of all let me state that I am a big fan of Randian Logistics. Their Fountainhead Mk-6 Air Defense Turret helped me immensely when T.E.A.M. attacked me with their sky fortress and I could listen to my Galt-88 android talk all day long. Having said that, the Kill Mech series is all wrong. Good for stomping around, maybe patrolling a very confined area, but not much else. If you're having a parade to intimdate your enemies then rent a few thousand of these to fill your ranks. Otherwise, stick with (more)

Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:

Assigned to protect magnetic flask containing pure fearium. Became stuck on a wall and then trapped against a vent. Was discovered and destroyed by a UNFORCE boarding party attempting to recover the fearium and disable the transmission antenna before all of the world's nightmares literally manifested and (more)

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.