Henchman Status Update (2 of 5)
The status of Astrachnid has been changed from ACTIVE to DECEASED.
Name: Spider, Man-eating (DECEASED)
Codename(s): Astrachnid
Join Date: 3-16-05
Primary Role: Space Spider Queen
Secondary Role: Chittering, egg-laying, web-spinning, pedipalping, venom-injecting, intruder mummifying
Specialties: High-bandwidth mating opening allows for rapid reproduction, whistle-trained to not eat human henchmen, can hammer through most bulkheads.

Availability: On Hire (hire)
Contracted To: Adverse Interests, LLC.
Term of Hire: 30 days or d/c/f

DEATH PAYOUT: 25,000 USD to be paid to the Pittsburgh Giant Monster Zoo (charity).

Average Customer Rating: (rate)

Customer Review:

Ja, okay, shpider or nicht, it is too much with the vebs

Reviewed by The Todt Foundation
I know some vill say "you get the shpider, you get the vebs" vell okay, but vat about die base? Ve have carefully cultivated die shkull und shkeleton themes, mit der skull headquarters and der shkeleton uniforms. So vat do ve have vhen ve bring in der shpider? A shpider theme. Veb everyvhere und it eat der bones und die Todtmacht Troopers ven dey are carless. Blood Countess visit und she say "ven do you go to shpider theme" it was so humiliating I try to explain to her (more)

Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:

Captured the first UNFORCE assault shuttle to approach Dreadstation. The shuttle became entangled in the nearly-invisible strands of the spider's web. As the spider approached, however, UNFORCE sprung their own trap and detonated the explosives hidden within the shuttle. The spider was killed (more)

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.