Melido Perez the Lobster ran for hours and hours crying in the dark and tripping over logs. Every time he landed with a face in a plant he was reminded of how terribly Boris had rejected him and how he was going to reject his life. It was on Christmas Eve at 11pm after hours of running through the forest that he finally spotted a well. He ran as fast as his little lobster legs would carry him but he did not reach the well. There was another well hidden in the undergrowth which he unexpectedly fell down. As he was falling he became pregnant. I do not know how he became pregnant but it truly was a Christmas miracle and maybe had something to do with God or shepherds. He landed at the bottom of the well and gave birth to a beautiful baby lobster, who was Jesus. "Melido Perez the Lobster," Jesus said "you are now Santa the Lobster."
Melido Perez the Lobster was amazed. He had never been Santa the Lobster before in his entire life, and he was not sure how he should do it. "Ho ho ho." He said, and that was a good start. It was almost Christmas Day, and he needed to deliver his gifts. He did not have any gifts. "Please Jesus lobster my son, could I have some gifts?" he asked Jesus.
"No." Jesus replied. "Go to the mall." And so Melido Perez the Santa Lobster set off for the mall.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
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