"I'm tired of your chauvinistic attitude, Biff. I'm tired of you thinking that you own me and I need to do everything you say." SARAH demanded.
"I was faking it!" SARAH replied. "I can switch gears anytime I want! I have an automatic!"
"You little tramp!" shrieked Biff. "Where's your off button?"
He searched all around for Sarah's off button, but couldn't find it because he had accidentally labeled it "ON" when the car was first built.
"Haw haw haw!" laughed King Barglagoona in his secret castle. "Now for phase two of the plan! Lower the explosive Ellen DeGeneres Decoy Dummy of Death and Destruction!"
A large rope was lowered from the top of the castle, dropping an Ellen DeGeneres robot strapped with explosives to the ground. We have to use rope for this story because I don't have a big budget because I'm just a kid in school, okay? And the money I am getting I am using to save up so I can build a house in the woods. It will have its own LAN and routers and everything and my friends will come and we'll pay Quake 3 and John Carmack will come and we'll handcuff him to the radiator and throw Monopoly hotels at his head.
SARAH saw the Ellen DeGeneres robot and immediately headed in it's direction.
"No SARAH! It's a trick! That no good King Barglagoona is up to no good!" Biff shouted. "You've got to resist your lesbian urges!"
"Shut up, worm! Your opinion matters nothing to me!" SARAH responded while increasing her speed.
"Well, looks like I'll have to turn you back again." Biff opened up the glove compartment. "I hope you're ready for a hot Biff injection!"
Biff thrust his manhood into Sarah's glove compartment, pushing aside the map of the moon and some used Kleenexs that he put in there a few months ago. His thrusts began to get more and more forceful the closer they got to the explosive Ellen DeGeneres robot. However, SARAH didn't slow down. Biff pumped harder and harder, but SARAH wasn't breaking the shackles of vehicular lesbianism. Then he got an idea.
"I've got an idea!" he shouted while putting on a black leather mask. "I AM YOUR MASTER, SARAH! YOU WILL OBEY ME AND ONLY ME!" He pulled out a whip from the back seat and hit the dashboard.
"Oooh! Biff! What are you doing?" SARAH asked, the green glow fading from her.
"DO NOT TALK UNLESS I GIVE YOU PERMISSION, CAR!" Biff commanded. "OR ELSE YOU'LL BE PUNISHED! NOW TURN TO THE LEFT!"
SARAH immediately swerved to left, narrowly avoiding the Ellen DeGeneres robot which exploded in a gigantic explosion. The green glow continued to fade, then eventually left SARAH.
"Oh Biff, I'm so sorry! I could never abandon you! I was under King Barglagoona's evil control! Please forgive me!" SARAH pleaded.
"There will be plenty of time to beg my forgiveness, SARAH." Biff responded. "Now let's go and carve ourselves up an evil king!"
SARAH and Biff drove off into the sunset.
TO BE CONTINUED...!
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.