Look, Ken, I have no goddamn idea what you guys do in that facility of yours. Frankly, I don't want to know. But we've got a crisis on our hands, and we could really use some help. Are any of your freaks - excuse me, "heroes," - situation-tested and battle-ready?
Our best student has made extraordinary progress, but I hardly think he's primed for the rigors of a full-scale siege. I know you don't respect our methods, General Coolbaugh, but at the very least I demand the right to administer a final examination. If he passes, I'll send him Outside. And may God have mercy on our souls.
Stevie, you have become a man of many words. This is your most important Reading Task. We are looking for applied knowledge of previous True Lessons as well as demonstrated comprehension of new concepts. Speak, and make us proud.
A talking tombstone interrupts a love way between human woman and Statue. Graves are jealous and bitter.
In human houses, everything is not only dangerous, but also more dangerous than it appears to be. You can burn in a fireplace, or a dragon in disguise can bite you with its flame-shaped teeth. You must punch every object in a human house, because this makes hidden killing beasts show their true forms.
You must never enter a room with beaded curtains, because they are actually snakes. If I enter a house and see hanging beads, I will punch the beads, and I will kill the owner.
This is an Odd. His arms and legs can stretch very far, because he has no bones. But this makes him weak. Odds are lower than people, and animals, like these snakes that overwhelm him, and maybe even plants.
The Statue is a hero! He knows to pulverize this machine, to see if it is a monster. There is a machine like this at the Facility, and I don't punch it because I know we are safe. But it feels like burning to touch, and it sounds like screaming, and it smells like hot dogs, and this one time I saw [SUBJECT HAS EXCEEDED WORD LIMIT]
Natural and supernatural horrors mount on an expedition to an island music festival for the wealthy.
With college finals approaching, it's time once again for Microsoft Word autosummaries of all the old, boring books you were supposed to read.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.