The first is entitled "I saw the Figure Five in Gold #2." This is a blend of new-style romanticism, traditional surrealism, and just a hint of Rococo artistic flair. Notice the brilliant use of lines and white space to create an image which talks to the inner child of the viewer and blasts the rampant materialism of modern western society as we know it. Also note the use of dream imagery to convey my moral outrage over censorship of the arts in this so-called "liberal" society. You don't see many artists using repoussoiresque techniques to create images of the subconscious anymore, and it's very depressing. This piece was the first to be bought by New York's Museum of Modern Art, which earned me quite a sizeable sum of money. It was a long battle convincing them to buy it since half the purchasing committee is made up of Warhol worshipping ignoramuses who wouldn't know a good Maquette from the average garbage spewed out of the academic pseudo-artists they eat up, but in the end, I triumphed and their commercial tripe took a back seat to my cutting edge material which would lead to a revolution in the art world.
This brings us to my personal favorite, "C'est Noir!" When looking at this one, the viewer will ask himself or herself questions such as, "what does the cigarette mean to me?" and "What is my purpose in life?" They are forced to by the way the cigarette smoke impedes upon the otherwise blank and morally empty canvas. The trick is that the canvas is not really blank; it has a dragon painted upon it. Otherwise it would just be an empty canvas with cigarette smoke and no dragon. This leads to the ultimate question, "if there is no blank canvas, is there no smoke?" I used this motif of requiring the viewer to question himself in many of my pieces; it takes a certain Je ne sais pas ce qui which is becoming more and more rare these days. True avant-garde artists just simply don't exist anymore; I blame the rise of the bourgeoisie class and their images of mass popularity (that's a little artist's joke I just made up; I should be a comedian!).
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Buy three Epic Loot Crates for only $7.99, get a free fourth loot crate for only $2.99!
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.