Oooh, "The Menace of Mon*Star!" I instantly picked up good vibes from this work of art, as Mon*Star was one of my favorite villains from the 1980's, besides Yahoo Serious. Note the asterisk between "Mon" and "Star" in his name, which is a hot point of debate between psychotic nerds across the globe. Was his original name "MonStar" or "Mon*Star"? Would you pronounce it "Monstar" or "MonStarStar"? Why does he have two different names? More importantly, why the hell are his kneecaps glowing in this picture?
As always, I wanted to do a little back research on SilverHawks before digging in. I can't remember what kind of underwear I put on this morning, much less specifics about a cartoon that peeked in popularity around the same time Steve Guttenburg actually had Hollywood influence. I performed a cursory websearch on the word "Silverhawks," and the following unique results came back:
Silverhawk's Gambit - I'll admit right now that I have no idea what the hell this is. I don't see anything silver and I definitely don't see any hawks. Well okay, maybe the old guy's hair and teeth are silver, but that's it. This photo raises so many intriguing questions:
|Who the hell is this guy? Notice he's wearing one of those "Ol' Time Motorized Carriage Driving" hats, which hints that he possibly knows the secrets of time travel. Also note that he's holding what appears to be bacon, which is strangely colored purple, yellow, and white. By putting two and two together, I have determined that he is an old man who was abducted by Time Cops in the 1930's, then taken to the future so he could harvest CyberBacon (which is a different color than regular bacon), and then placed in the present time so he could feed this CyberBacon to dogs, upgrading them into SuperDogs. I don't know why the people of the future want SuperDogs. Maybe they can shoot lasers out of their eyes. I can't imagine why they wouldn't.|
|This appears to be Eddie Munster with a giant spider attempting to engulf his forehead. Eddie doesn't seem to happy because the old guy is trying to feed his dog bacon of the future, and Eddie knows that he won't be able to take his dog to any more shows if it's shooting lasers out of its eyes and murdering judges every three seconds. That's against one of the rules. Don't ask me which.|
|The mysterious sign. Although I can't read it too clearly, I believe it says, "PIGS OF HOOP" across it. No, I don't know what "PIGS OF HOOP" means. Maybe those are the future animals which are killed to provide CyberBacon. Yeah, I guess that makes sense.|
Lugnuts jump to big early lead over Silverhawks! - The Lansing Lugnuts pummeled the hapless South Bend Silverhawks during the fateful afternoon of July 8th, 2000. Nothing too interesting about this result, except for the fact that the players on these teams have the most screwed up last names in the history of the world. Dzurilla, Deschaine, Zoccolillo, Cepeda, Gripp, and Shaffar... these names would make any typesetter rich. Who cares, on to the SilverHawks book, where some of these eternal questions might be answered. Nah, on second thought, there's little to zero chance of anything being answered here. Forget I even brought it up.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
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