Welcome to the biweekly love and advice column, "Backyard Love", where YOUR
personal and private love questions are answered by some of the most talented backyard wrestlers in the industry! We study and hand-pick the top five backyard wrestlers twice a month and give them YOUR
email questions! Feel free to ask them about anything
in your love or private life, ranging from people you may have a crush on, to sexual dysfunctions that you fear may be slowly killing you!
Today's Backyard Love experts are:
NAME: Raymond "Diamond Doily" Dansworth
RECORD / DIVISION: 15-92-0 (Mississippi Mud Madness World Association)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Diamond Ringer" (grabbing foe in headlock and attempting to twist opponent's neck 360 degrees, thus creating a perfect circle. This has never ever worked successfully)
BACKGROUND: In the early 1970's, Diamond Doily was a promising up-and-comer in the world of professional wrestling, but his lack of a good gimmick - combined with his atrocious fashion sense - kept Diamond Doily from rising above the rank of under card jobber. In his entire professional career he only won four matches, one of those wins occurring in a bout where his opponent, the infamous Nature Jack, died of a heart attack. After retiring to become a part-time jewelry salesman in the mid-80's, Diamond Doily has attempted a comeback of sorts in the seedy world of backyard wrestling. While he has won a handful of matches by crushing 12-year-old rookies with his ample girth, his second try at wrestling superstardom has proven to be even more dismal than his first. Although Raymond dons a Batman mask in an attempt to keep his identity secret, he was unmasked in his second match and promptly fired from his job at the jewelry store. Diamond Doily still wears the mask, however, because it provides excellent support for his multiple chins.
QUOTE: "Diamonds are forever! And so is my wrasslin' skill!"
NAME: MC Caucasian Ghost
RECORD / DIVISION: 6-32-1 (Central Wisconsin Hard Co' Brawlahz)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Whitey Mighty" (picking up his opponent and flaming chairs / tables, lifting them all into the air, and then bashing them together)
BACKGROUND: MC Caucasian Ghost learned how to be "rough n' tumble" from watching various hardcore gangsters on MTV. As a result, this 14-year old powerhouse is slowly rising to the top of the backyard wrestling circuit by the ingenious method of "shooting his opponents in the skull with a gun he stole from his dad's vintage WWII handgun collection." Unfortunately he still hasn't seen a rap video that explicitly demonstrates how to reload the gun, so the number of his victories has been limited to the six bullets the revolver originally held.
QUOTE: "Suckahs bettah step off else I think bout bustin a cap in yo jive ass, yeeeeeaaah."
NAME: FUCK YOU NINJA!!!
RECORD / DIVISION: 48-3-3 (Mike Perry's Northeast Langford Backyard Federation)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Silent Twilight ASSHOLE" (running around the ring in circles while cursing at opponent and throwing lawn furniture, preferably lit on fire and wrapped with barbwire, at them)
BACKGROUND: The mysterious FUCK YOU NINJA!!! appeared in the backyard wrestling circuit around 1998, with nothing but a pure white mask, hockey jersey, and the will to defeat all challengers in his way. Despite his self professed strategy of "cunning, silent, and surprising" attacks, the FUCK YOU NINJA!!! seems to be limited by his advanced case of Tourette's Syndrome, which causes him to randomly shout profanities and blow his cover. When undertaking particularly stealth-filled missions, the FUCK YOU NINJA!!! stuffs his mouth with a rolled up sock, but he still usually manages to become detected by uncontrollably banging trashcans with a wooden stick.
QUOTE: "In the dead of the SHITFAG night, nobody is BASTARD safe from my blackened hand of justice CUNT BUTT WHORE GRAB ASS APPLE COW SHIT."
NAME: Revolutionary Scarecrow
RECORD / DIVISION: 34-2-1 (Iowa Cornfuckahz League)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Hay-Fork-U!" (hits opponent with metal chair to knock them onto the mat, then stabs then repeatedly in the back of the neck with his pitchfork in an attempt to harvest foe's brain for his own evil purposes)
BACKGROUND: Not much is known about the mysterious Revolutionary Scarecrow, other than the fact that he has led farm uprisings in several states, seems to be able to talk to animals, and stuffs his clothing with hay. Incredibly violent and catastrophically dirty, the Revolutionary Scarecrow is a feared opponent who refuses to wrestle without his pitchfork, a preference which has kept him out of more high-class and respected wrestling leagues like the USWLWW. His only two losses occurred when birds pecked the Scarecrow into submission, apparently mistaking the Scarecrow's odor for that of a long-dead corpse.
QUOTE: "I will got a brain and it is you!"
NAME: El Terror De Fuego
RECORD / DIVISION: 52-1-6 (El Paso Kickass Backyard Wrestling Coalition)
TRADEMARK MOVE: "Death Lunge" (picking up opponent, lifting them into the air, and then throwing chairs and tables at them which have been laced with barbwire and lit on fire)
BACKGROUND: El Terror De Fuego, who was cursed with Alzheimer's Disease since the age of 8, grew up in Tiajuana. When he was 12 he tried to escape and cross the border to the US. However, upon entering the States, he forgot why he ran across the border to begin with. He immediately ran back to his home, only to remember why he fled in the first place, causing him to turn around and run past the border once more. A few scant minutes after crossing the border, El Terror De Fuego forgot why he was running. This kept happening for the next six years, at which point he realized he had become very fast and powerful. Instead of trying out for the Olympics, El Terror De Fuego decided to become a backyard wrestler because he was attracted by the lure of "free used paint buckets."
QUOTE: "MY FIRE BURNS YOU DEADLY BUT YOU CAN YET BE SMOTHERED BY ME! OF FIRE! HA HA MAKE YOUR PEACE OR BURN?"
Now that today's experts have been introduced, onto the questions!