Chapter Three - The Burning Sun of MiddayThe beautiful geisha caretaker Nokonono NohoJust as the sun was at its highest point in the sky above, Dari Armstro reached a clearing in the forest. A stream burbled and he crossed a neatly kept bridge towards an ancient pagoda built on a hill. The rice paper door slide open and out came the most beautiful geisha that Dari had ever seen. She shuffled slowly up to him and bowed until her nose nearly touched the ground.
"Welcome to the Armstro shrine," she said in a really cute super high pitched voice hushed with reverence. "I am Nokonono Noho, and my father was the keeper of this shrine until he died one year ago. Now I am the keeper of this shrine."
"You have some really small feet," commented Armstro admiring her two inch long feet. "But I am here on business and not pleasure. I must see the shrine of my ancestor Hiro Armstro."
Nokonono giggle coquettishly and was no doubt blushing with pleasure beneath her inch thick makeup. She led the way beneath the gingko trees up the steps and into the pagoda. Incense was dutifully burning before the shrine and Armstro knelt and began praying to his ancestor.
"Oh great Hiro Armstro," he intoned. "Hear my prayer to you my wise and powerful ancestor. I call upon you to appear and teach me the secrets of the samurai way, grant me the strength of the ancient Armstro sword."
He repeated the incantation over and over again until a chill breeze blew out all of the incense in the shrine. Like wind blowing over an open meat freezer the spectral form of Hiro Armstro appeared hovering in the air above the shrine.Hiro Armstro keeps the ancient secrets of the Armstro clan.
"Heehee," the specter giggled. "Thank you for waking my thousand year slumber, I was the greatest samurai of the Armstro clan."
The ghost had a saucy voice. Dari wouldn't say it sounded gay, but anyone who wasn't related to that voice probably would judge it as gay.
"I call upon-"
"Oh yessss," the ghost lisped. "I heard, samurai way, strength of the sword, yadda yadda yadda. You greatest swordsmen ever are always so task oriented, you've gotta learn to have a little fun girlfriend."
For the first time in his life Dari began to question the intelligence of his master's advice.
"Oh get over yourself," gasped the ghost, interrupting Dari's train of thought. "I can hear what you think because I'm a ghost and your ancestor. I'll teach you how to be a great samurai and I'll give you your precious little phallic symbol, that doesn't mean I can't kid around a little. You're a cutie by the way."
"That's so disgusting," groaned Dari.
"Come off it sister!" Exclaimed the ghost. "I'm like forty generations removed from you, we're hardly even related. Okay now, the sword is underneath my keepsakes collection, pick it up, feel the power and clench those cute little cheeks for me."
Nokonono watched with ridiculously sudden deep love for Dari as he picked up the sword and began his training down the ultimate samurai path.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.