Chapter Four - The Afternoon Sun Descends Towards EveningMaster Dung has powers which may or may not include force pushing wookies.Dari left Nokonono and her tears behind to cry and be tears respectively. He was headed back down the path which Hiddeki had traveled, in search of the master Chinese swordsmen and prepared to meet him with the might Armstro family blade. He was lost in thought about this epic battle, his samurai senses dulled by the flood of information he had received from his ancestor. He hardly even registered the cool popping sound Master Dung made when he suddenly appeared out of nowhere sitting on a tree stump as if through some incredible film effect.
"Pay attention you must," chastised Master Dung, rapping Dari on the forehead with his cane. "Fifty crimson ninjas if I was, dead you would be!"
Dari just nodded, rubbing the lump forming on his head where his sensei had struck him.
"Nearly ready you are to face Hiddeki, but defeat the demon samurai of the crimson ninjas first you must."
"I am still sore master," Dari winced. "Sore in places I should not be sore. That ancestor you had me contact was a really fucker."
"Speak not bad of your ancestor you are must…wait…," Master Dung stroked his incredibly long beard thoughtfully. "Do not speak ill of your ancestors. Take the path in the forest that branches to the right, there you will find the temple of Shao Tsung and your destiny!"
Dari was about to complain more to his sensei when Master Dung performed a reverse of whatever magical sensei ability he used to teleport in the first place and completely disappeared. It was pretty awesome, but Dari didn't have time to sit around and contemplate its awesomeness like the many facets of a bee's eye, or rain drops on roses, or whiskers on kittens. He had to defeat Shao Tsung as quickly as possible so that he could become the greatest swordsman in all of Asia.FLAWLESS VICTORY!Hours later he arrived at the temple of Shao Tsung, the demonic samurai master of the crimson ninjas from the Yomi realm sat atop a throne made entirely of human bones and a few animal bones where human bones just did not provide enough structural support. Dari sighed as he realized that to even fight Tsung he would have to battle his way through half of the crimson ninja clan. A massive battle ensued as Shao Tsung sat atop his throne hurling reverberating insults at the beleaguered samurai and announcing the beginning and end of each ninja battle. When all of the ninjas in sight had either been exploded or cut in half, Shao Tsung stepped down from his thrown.
"For one thousand years I have waited to face another worthy opponent from the Armstro clan, now your time has come to die like Hiro did."
"Wait!" Cried Dari. "You mean you BEAT Hiro?"
"Hahahahah you weak pathetic fool," laughed Shao mockingly. "This will be all too easy. FIGHT!"
The massive demonic samurai lunged forward with his extremely evil spear but Dari was too quick, leaping thirty feet over the head of the brute and landing behind him. He attacked with his sword but even the magical might of the Armstro clan blade bounced harmlessly off the heavy scales of the samurai's armor. With a backhand that loosed several of Dari's teeth the demon sent the samurai flying across the courtyard in which they were battling. All of the maneuvers he had ever learned raced through Dari's shaken brain as the demonic samurai bore down on him. He had to act quickly if he was to save himself and his proud samurai heritage.
Then he remembered, an ancient prophecy, that he who kicks low shall defeat the high. Just as Shao Tsung was about to strike Dari down with his evil spear, Dari began to execute a series of weak but rapid low kicks. Each kick knocked the might Tsung onto his back. He would begin to rise and each time Dari would send him to the ground with another leg sweep. After a dozen or so of these kicks Tsung stood, swaying back and forth uncertainly, in a daze from the sheer number of times he had been knocked over.
Dari took the opportunity to stand up and approach the demonic samurai with great confidence. Calling upon all of the magical power his sensei had granted him through teachings Dari began a powerful incantation. As the last of the words escaped his lips he looked down to see that Shao Tsung had been transformed into a human baby. The magic had obviously not worked so to ensure the demon was forever banished he inserted the baby into a cloth bag and added several large rocks and then tossed the bag into the goldfish pond.
Dari smiled with the knowledge that his quest had nearly reached its end. He stepped over one of the few ninjas that had failed to detonate and exited the courtyard heading for the coast where he knew he would find Hiddeki.
Can you figure out which clickbait headlines are a gross parody of journalism itself, and which are fake?
Forget Target or Best Buy, if you want deals this Black Friday you can't do better than smoking massive, mind-melting quantities of DMT.
You cant go around life being smart in an unconventional way, it could change the world.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.