You Knowing You(rself): A Sexual Self Assessment for the Hot Woman
You are at a very important time in your life when, like a flower made of skin, your vagina comes into bloom. It opens its petals up to the sun - or the right amount of hard lemonade and Axe Body Spray - and the lazy bumble bee glides down to pollinate. But before you can satisfy the bee's self-centered needs you will have to more fully understand the process of vigorous pollination.
Part 1: Experience Assessment
The first phase of this test is a tool to help you understand your own level of experience. Please answer each question honestly and in as purple a prose as possible.
Have you ever kissed a man before?
Have you ever kissed a girl before?
Was that hot?
Was she hot?
Have you ever kissed two girls at once before?
Did you go further than that?
Did you involve toys?
Do you know what tribadism is?
Do you think that's hot?
Have you ever been so mad at a girl that you want to perform oral sex on her vagina?
What about her anus?
What about both?
Do you have sex with guys?
What about girls?
Do girls know how to please you better?
Don't you want a girlfriend who looks hot rather than one of those manly lesbians with the buzzcuts?
Is there anything hotter than two beautiful women making love?
Would it bother you if a man sat and watched while you had sex with another woman?
Would you allow him to masturbate while he watched?
Would you allow him to videotape it?
Would you allow him to videotape it and masturbate while he watched, then sell the videotapes, then buy one of the videotapes that he made and masturbate to that?
Who is more attractive to you: Clint Howard or Liv Tyler?
In as much detail as possible describe how you might seduce Liv Tyler:
Pretend you are taking a shower with her and suddenly you are overcome by passion. Describe what might happen:
Do you think it's hotter when she wears the elf ears or when she's wearing that half-sweater thing from Empire Records?
What do you think Liv Tyler smells like?
What about her vagina?
Take your time to answer each question. There is no time limit on this portion of the test. Once you have completed your answers to all of the questions you can move on to the second part of the test.
The human anatomy is home to more than three hundred organs. Doctors and chocolatiers agree that the vast majority of these revolting lumps of tissue serve little to no function. If you find yourself standing in a long line or stuck at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, consider taking a few minutes to remove the following from your person.
Do you have what it takes to make it on the ballot?
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.