Bonar Law posted:
One, this is completely serious. I'm quite sure people I personally know that post here will probably read this but I suppose a little (ok, a lot of) embarassment is better than things like cancer and living with irrational fears, no? Two, it is not really sexual in nature so I don't think it belonged in the sex questions megathread. If I'm violating some rules, I'll gladly close this.
I'm here because I don't know where else to go. I'm not throwing money away on a doctor like Marla. Unfortunately, I don't have a significant other to check me out at the moment. I don't have time for visits with a full-time job and no car, my health insurance just ran out, and I'm just not ready to ask a doctor to simply grope my nuts because I'm too much of a pussy to do it myself.
As is customary with all E/N threads, background: I like to have a "don't fuck with me, I don't fuck with you" relationship with my nuts. Yes, I've been kicked there and it hurts. That didn't start the fear and the last time I got kicked there was like...9 years ago? Yes, I've had a few sexual partners and they've all found this phobia ridiculously hilarious but extremely odd and kind of sad. Nut play is something that doesn't bother me as long as I'm not doing it. I'll tell the women to back the fuck off when they're getting way too physical but I don't trust myself enough to reach down there.
I know, just reach down and be one with your balls. I wish it was that easy. You're supposed to feel for lumps and anything out of the ordinary. What the fuck? It's a completely covered, free-floating sack with 2 egg-shaped things in it that are surrounded by wormy tubes and veins and shit. How should ANY of that feel normal? It all feels lumpy and irregular and it's obviously such a sensitive area that any kind of squeezing is not cool. I know, I know, feel for hard lumps. Yeah ok. I'll know it when I'm cleaning them I guess? That's as intimate as we get: me cleaning them in the shower. I'm convinced this is a phobia because we're talking life and death here, easily curable cancer vs. cancer that spreads and fucking kills you. Things like testicular torsion and the associated horror stories don't really help my cause at all. If anything, they discourage me even more from exploring because God forbid I end up on the floor in agony over feeling my nuts for the first time in 22 years.
So can you tell me what the name of this phobia is? I've looked all over google and phobia lists to no avail for what I'm specifically referring to (just not enjoying your balls and being terrified of them). Have you known anyone in my situation? Did they ever get over it?
It's slowly been happening for years, and I've denied it and denied it but I'm finally going to admit that I have a problem with the internet. A pretty damn crippling problem. I can't keep myself from getting online when I'm supposed to be doing something else with the computer, and then I'm simply unable to tear myself away for hours on end, and it's getting to the point where it's starting to affect my life in serious ways.
I'm perfectly aware this is probably the byproduct of some other aspect of my life or personality. I've always been a procrastinator and could often get distracted by other things when work had to be done. But if I could get to a place that was free of distraction I'm actually a pretty productive guy. At my old job I was one of their top producers... until our internet access got unblocked, and my numbers dropped in half because I couldn't get myself off the web. I had left the job to go back to school before anything major happened because of it, but the problem's simply followed me here at college and it's only gotten worse.
Now when I'm off a computer I'm completely fine. When I'm driving or at the gym I never think "man I have to get on a PC so I could get online." But if I ever have to get in front of a PC all I do is hit the web browser button and I'm gone for hours. It's just so *easy* and it seems there is always something going on online, it just never stops being interesting for me. It's also *everywhere.* Trying to do a school assignment that uses the internet is like trying to read an incredibly dull and tedious section of a book that otherwise has nearly infinite interesting topics, letters from your friends, the latest news, and porn, to boot.
I've thought about trying to forsake computers as much as possible, but especially being a student that simply isn't possible anymore. I've also thought about getting a laptop and removing the browser so I have a computer I can type on but can't go online with, but unfortunately now so many of my classes have online assignments that this simply isn't viable either. I'm losing sleep and I'm turning assignments in late (and sometimes not at all) all because I can't control myself from dicking around on the internet.
I know I can't be the only one on here that's had this problem. How have others dealt with this?
PS: Yes, right now it's almost 2:00 AM and I'm in the 24 hour campus library and I'm supposed to be writing a composition in Spanish that's due in 6 hours.
The Remains of Bidet (James Ivory, 1993)
We might find we have more in common than we think if we just stop fighting long enough to combine our bodies into a singular organism.
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