I got stuck in a mind loop last night when I was just chilling by myself after hitting some oh-so-sweet Cannabis Satvia.
I was eating a slice of (awesome) pizza on my bed, listening to Radiohead (oh god potsmoking anarchosyndicalist when suddenly I saw a moth flying around my screen, constantly bashing against it. Then I looked at the pizza. For some reason I came to the conclusion that some bug had laid eggs in the slice of pizza. Despite this, I continued eating the slice, contemplating existentialism:
"I know the bug laid eggs or something in this slice but I'm not afraid when I know I should be but what if the eggs in the pizza are like actually other universes where other eggs are being laid in slices of pizza and what if what I see right now is just an egg laid in a slice of pizza by a moth in another universe and like"
This pattern of completely logical and rational thought continued for I don't know how fucking long. I just sat there, stoned, with a piece of pizza in my hand, listening to Radiohead while contemplating the universe as an egg laid by a moth.
I know it sounds fucking stupid, but it felt like I had just discovered the meaning of life at the time.
Since I've been on medication I have had trouble telling dreams from reality - it's 25% the medication making me lightheaded, it's 25% me fasting and becoming lightheaded, and it's 50% the absence of my "spirit guide" as I like to call him who I normally see in my dreams and it's a sign that everything's ok no matter how fucked up it is and it's all a dream. My spirit guide is an iguana who I've named "Don", as in Iguanadon, because he's a great lizard. Don wears nothing but sunglasses, it's really quite disturbing, and all he does is scream "BABY CAT" over and over and over, but it's him being there that reassures me. Anyway, I've had some frightening dreams lately, like the one where I was molested by a flaming door with giant arms and Don wasn't about, or where I was pissing maggots, so I guess that yeah, it is illness related and it gives me a case of the living willies.
I think it's all psychological or maybe now that I'm being treated I subconsciously have no need for a spirit guide, but whatever, fuck, it's still frightening. I'd MSPAINT something but it's cold and my hands don't work properly and quite frankly I have reservations drawing myself being raped by a door with maggots flying out of my todger.
When I took acid for the first time about a week ago, watched the Nova production "The Elegant Universe" on DVD, and then went downstairs to get something to eat. I ran into my dog, who was laying on a couch wheezing. I felt terrible that he was suffering, and then it hit me - He has been suffering for far longer than that moment, and I had just learned how to tune it out. Then I began to hear the cries of suffering that I've ignored my entire life, compounding.
I broke into tears, and it almost brings me to tears to think about it right now. I vowed I would never ignore those cries again, and it is now my purpose - to do whatever I can to alleviate the suffering in this world. My heart was filled with infinite love, and I finally understood what Timothy Leary and the other LSD pioneers understood and why they tried to do what they did when they spread it. Dosing gave me the perspective I needed to finally understand the wisdom of the buddhist teachings I've been studying, as if condensing years of meditation practice into a single moment of realization. The moment was torturous, but after understanding what it was and coming to terms with it I was filled with sheer bliss.
Last night I was high and was sitting outside next to a pool. My friend accidentally dropped his slide that had a fresh bowl in it, but because he dropped it on the ground, he didn't repack the bowl, and just left the weed on the ground.
It was then that I devised this amazing idea, which I proceeded to tell the group I was with:"You know how they make that ant-killer that the ants pick up and they take back to the anthill and the queen eats it and they all die? What if the ants pick up the weed on the ground and take it back to their anthill and then the queen ant eats it and it spreads and they all get high, that'd be awesome!!"A few minutes later, I was staring in the bushes near the pool, and I was thinking of all the little animals that could hide there, but in particular, the badger. I totally pictured them perfectly able to live in the sort of environment of a backyard, and thought everyone should keep them as pets. I then proceeded to tell everyone "We should domesticate badgers!"
What is the world searching for when it wants porn? The stats will blow your mind.
it's hard to shake the feeling that I've always got five stars in this Grand Theft Auto known as life.
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