It was a glorious time in the late eighties, early nineties. Ace of Bass kept our malls bouncing, everyone was doing The Urkel, Nintendo had gone insane and formed an olympic video game team, and you just couldnt start your day without a bowl of Cookie Crisp.
But enough about that.
Last night was a glorious time. I had just completed work on a certain special gift for a certain special forum admin, and felt like celebrating. Off I went into the shower, to conduct my nasty deeds without fear of staining the various stainable scrutibles about my dwelling.After a quick once over on my taint and anus with a razor for that extra smooth shine, I got to business, picturing in my head a picture i saw of a naked chick having her head beaten against a wall with a plunger.
Usually, when Im feeling extra naughty, I stick things up my ass. Problem is, there arent that many phallic objects in my hovel I can make use of, but I did have a thin shampoo bottle I used off and on.
.. and here it is.I once got it 3/4s of the way up there, but have never gotten a hands free orgasmic experience, as it is tough to hold in and manuever and usually shoots out as im getting into the swing of things.
I did the usual thing, slowly jamming the bottle up where ghastly horrors are born. But something wasnt right... no.. tonight..... I feel extra naughty.
Thats when an idea hit me that I read on these here forums. It was a post about a story, something about a boy inserting candle wax into his penis to obtain heightened orgasms that he learned from his brother in the middle east.
well, I had no candle wax or small long objects I could stick in there.. except!I had a pen innard that I used to clean my ears regularly. See, the way most pens work is, they have a very very small constant suction at the end, which makes it great for getting all that there wax out.
so I skipped merrily along to my room bare ass nakedand retrieved the item, returned, and proceeded.
I got it into the slot, a little ways into the head, when it was blocked by something.hmm, Ive already got an earwax filled pen inside my dick, i will not give up so easily!So I jostled it around a bit, and then discovered by flexing my anti-pissing-my-pants muscle, it opened up the urethra a bit, allowing me to slowly slide it down, until it was a good ways in there.
AND SO IT BEGAN.
it stung a little bit. and it felt like it was kinda scraping hard. I should have taken this as a cue that this was a bad thing, BUT IM A FUCKING DUMBASS WITH NO FUCKING COMMON SENSE WHATSOEVER IN MY DRUG RIDDLED HUSK OF A BRAIN.
So I was really getting into it, remembering various Secret Plot and Super Taboo comics.I opened up my eyes, and the water flowing down the drain was sort of... pinkish.
ah well, this happens sometimes when im ramming things up my ass, no big deal.
Then I noticed it was getting reddish.
A... fucking... lot... reddish.
I looked down at mny trusty man unit and lo and behold, there was fucking blood GUSHING out.
OH SNAPE I thought, and tore out the pen in a flash.
What followed was a geyser of dick blood the likes of which has never graced the view of my fragile soul.After the impending burst, there was blood just fucking ZOOMING out of my cock, sending a vast river of blood rushing forth down into the drain.I just sat and watched.. Watched my penis slowly shrivel. Have you ever put a tiny hole in a water balloon and watched it slowly deflate as the water leaks out?It was exactly like that.
Once the ragin erection had gasped into nothingness, my penis bent over in the most pitiful half erect, half flaccid state I have EVER seen it in. At this point, the blood had ceased blasting forth into new dimensions and was now flowing out like beer out of a penis shaped tap.
And I sat.And I stared.
Right at this moment, I was one with the universe. Not a thought crossed my mind in that whole while. I gazed upon the river of red woody elixer as most would gaze diligently upon a masterpiece hanging in a museum.
A few moments passed. At least a few good pints were lost.
Then it stopped.
I picked my penis up and looked it over. The head was now very discolored a pale white. I squeezed it a bit and was greeted by a squirt of blood upon my face.
Taken aback, I let it drop, and sat back, reminiscing upon the marvel I had just beheld.
I laid there quietly a few moments.
Then I decided it would be best to finish up what I started.
As you can see, my sense of any and all logic had all fizzled out by now.
I took about ten minutes to awaken my penis from the dead, and it was raring and willing to go, albeit the funny feeling inside.
So I got to work, and work it, and work it, and BOOM.
Hmm.. wheres the spraAAAYY!!!!!!
You see, the pressure inside had mounted up against what looked to be a big scab or perhaps encrusted blood blocking the way. It sprayed out onto my chest in a heavenly muster of red fragments and white milky goodness, which at the moment reminded me of Santa Claus for some reason.
A trickle of blood came out a bit, but otherwise, everything was okey dokey.
The pen I located later.You see, with the extremely slow suction, it takes many months for the earwax to make just a little tiny bit down the way.The pressure of blood rocketing into my shaft was so great, it pushed forth inside in just a few moments halfway what took about 6 months for the wax to progress.
..... and heres a picture for reference. (although the blood has dried out a bit)I woke up this morning with blood stained shorts,..... which are pictured here..and it burned like all living fuck when I pissed.
But... I feel a day older, and a day wiser.
Good day gentlemen.
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.