Following these helpful guidelines will make sure your employees are treated like "SUPERSTARS"... such as Savio Vega and "Who"!

To remind your employees how lucky they are to have a job, randomly fire people and give their positions to homeless people you find in the alleyway, trying to eat somebody's pet cat. If any other employees complain, fire them too and give their job to the cat.

For fun and games, hold an "Office Survivor" competition, where a few lucky workers will be placed in an empty room containing rocks, sticks, and sand. They will have to use all these materials to do their daily work and bash in the skulls of other workers. The person who remains in "Office Survivor" for the longest period of time gets to keep their job and life.

Never refer to any employee by their actual name. This de-emphasizes teamwork and stresses the dangerous aspect of individuality. Instead, call everybody "corporate drones" and brand them with UPC codes on their foreheads. Hey, it worked for Gamespy.

Workers tend to congregate around social areas like the water cooler, where they stand around and talk, wasting precious company time. To reduce this monument to inefficiency, mount the water cooler on a set of train tracks which cause it to circle around the office at 65 miles an hour, making it nearly impossible to stand around. For added excitement, tie a female worker to the train tracks and laughingly shout, "Oh no, where's Dudley Dooright when you need him?" If you fail to untie her in time and the water cooler runs over her, severing her body in half, you are provided with an ample excuse to lecture the office about safety in the workplace.

Have an "office cryer" who walks the halls each hour with a bell screaming "it's three o'clock and you're a failure!!!" This presents a "challenge" to the worker to not be distracted, particularly when it's not 3:00.

– Leonard "J." Crabs (@lowtax)

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