STEP FOUR: The Eyes.
Female eyes should be disproportional to the entire width / length of the face, and should be large enough to contain the nose and mouth inside each eye. Wide eyes are usually a sign of innocence and childhood, and since the legal age for consensual sex in Japan is "anytime after the zygote stage," this is a big turnon. Grotesquely large eyes are also characteristic of various bugs and insects, and many Japanese businessmen probably wouldn't have a hard time engaging in sexual intercourse with those either, assuming somebody put boobs on them.
STEP FIVE: The Hair.
Hair should NEVER be the color of normal human hair! NEVER! This would insinuate that some small aspect of human beings are actually attractive, and this is shunned in Anime. Acceptable hair colors include neon pink, neon green, neon blue, neon neon, fluorescent neon, orange, and any color you can find by opening a random cannister of Kool Aid in your local grocery store.
In addition, the hair should not behave as normal hair would. It must have the consistency of an asbestos quilt and be able to pull off remarkable stunts like standing straight up or maintaining the exact same position for days.
We have now successfully Animized Tyra Banks. Due to time constraints and the fact that my warezed version of Photoshop is now allowing backdoor access to somebody named "cRaCX0r1829", I have intentionally left out the following steps which could be included for the total Anime experience:
Tiny cat ears which stick straight up through their hair but nobody ever asks why the hell she has cat ears or never bothers to hide them,
A very, very large penis or clitoris that magically transforms into a penis,
A "cybernetic" forearm (ie, a metal tube with buttons and wires that covers half of their arm and ends with a grey glove).
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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