People who own cats include:

  • Women
  • Old women
  • Very old women
  • Very, very old women
  • People in apartments
  • Very, very old women in apartments
  • Evil overlords bent on world domination
  • Team Rocket.

Reasons to own a cat:

Cats, unlike dogs, are quite "low maintenance." While dog owners have to regularly take their pets on walks, clean up after them when they crap, give them mounds of food, shout at them to stop barking every fifteen seconds, and determine exactly where their dog has buried little Franky's index finger, all cat owners have to do is supply pellets for the cat to eat and shit in (NOTE: these pellets should be probably different from each other). Many cat owners, upon receiving a new kitten, dump a few hundred pounds of cat food into a wheelbarrow, unload a canoe full of cat litter into their bathroom, and then sell their house and move away. The cats seem to actually prefer this over repeated human contact.

As mentioned above, cats enjoy being alone. They seem to shun all social interaction as they innately despise all dogs, other cats, humans, robots, complex carbohydrates, and everything contained inside your house. The only time a cat will ever make a personal appearance is when you're carrying something heavy and thinking to yourself, "I hope that stupid cat doesn't run in front of me." At that point the cat will spontaneously teleport immediately in front of you and attach itself onto your right leg, causing you to trip and fall down. When you go to look around for the cat, it will be long gone, having teleported back underneath the couch it first spawned from. Cats live to see humans being injured, and if they had their way, the entire human race would be trapped in a never-ending series of personal tragedies that are often featured on "America's Funniest Home Videos."

Since cats loathe all forms of human contact, you will often find them lurking in dark areas of your house, watching you and plotting complex schemes which will lead to your untimely demise. Although many people are not aware of it, mainly because I just made it up, cats were the inspiration for the "face hugger" alien featured in the movie "Aliens". The main difference between the two races is that while the face hugger implants eggs into your stomach lining, a cat would much rather prefer to merely tear out your stomach lining.

More Guides

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2017 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.