Your body is unclean. It teems with countless billions of germs. Your desire to be clean is strong, but you feel simply washing yourself with soap and water, or rolling around in dust like a bird, will not truly eliminate all the germs.
Do not give up so easily!
If you would like to remove 99.99% of the germs adhering to your body then your only option, short of dipping yourself into bleach, is hand sanitizer. It is the most potent cleanser mankind has invented since fire.
You've probably seen celebrities on TV using hand sanitizer. You've seen Tom Cruise in Jack Reacher sanitize his hand on a boat. You hear musical artists like Susan Vega use hand sanitizer all the time while on tour. You've wondered if this luxury could really be for you. Dare you dream to live germ-free like the one percent of Jack Reachers and Susan Vegas? Yes, my friend, that dream could belong to you!
Pick up a bottle of off-brand Purell and prepare to embark on a journey of sanitization.
Your first instinct may be to drink this potent elixir and rid yourself of all manner of internal germs. Feel free to try! The most pernicious creepy crawlers are probably lurking in the most disgusting places, namely, your guts. Chug-a-lug and drown your pack of parasites in some anti-bacterial ceviche.
Once you've got that out of your system, it's time to start applying the hand sanitizer externally. You're going to want to apply maximum cleaning power at the filthiest point. The Germans called this the schwerpunkt.
Maybe you sat on a mysterious grease on the bus, picked a thong out of a rain gutter, or soaked your feet in the pink discharge from the crack in the wall of the sex hospital. Begin by applying the hand sanitizer directly to the part of your body that made contact with filth and work outward from this point.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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