Q: What's the cell phone reception like in heaven? Should I bother packing a cell phone in my rectum so I have it with me for the trip, or would I be better off with two tin cans and a string? (asked by Baba Yaga Fanboy)

A: As the old saying goes, "it never hurts to put a cell phone in your ass."

Q: Will there be a hierarchy in heaven? Since people like trannies/furries/Three Olives wont be getting in who will the christians have to gossip about? (asked by OgNar)

A: There will still be plenty of things to gossip about in Heaven, like rumors about how awesome Heaven will be tomorrow or who loves God the most (it's a tie). Just make sure not to comment about Elijah's hairstyle, or lack thereof.

Q: I am unfortunately fatally allergic to angels, but I still want to enjoy myself in Heaven. Should I bring my own EpiPens? Does Heaven have an Angel free zone? (asked by AtlantisMantis)

A: Great news! Heaven is home to six different prescription drug manufacturers, each of which offer unique variants of effective Anti-Angel Allergy medications (AAAMs). Please bring your health insurance card with you; as you all know, universal health care is Satanic and not offered.

Q: If I want to get in to Heaven, do I need to listen to the Eric Clapton or Guns n Roses version of "Knockin on Heaven's Door"? (asked by Brotax)

A: Neither will ultimately help you gain Holy Pointztm. You must choose to listen to the most Christian music possible, which can be discovered by using the law of Inverse Satanic Audiology, stating, "the opposite of 'holy' is 'Satanic,' therefore the most holy music is Satanic music played backwards." Go download a copy of "Eldorado" (ELO) or "Snowblind" (Styx) but DO NOT LISTEN TO IT!!! Open up the file in a sound editing program such as Sound Forge, reverse the audio, thereby making it Satanic. Then reverse it again, successfully converting it into a holy state. Enjoy the pure Christian bliss! You will gain .02 Holy Pointztm for each time the track plays and you actively pay attention to it.

Q: Will people grow older in heaven? What about old people, will they get younger? I've heard it's not great being old. (asked by LOCUST FART HELL)

A: Heaven is full of limitless possibilities! There are countless possibilities in Heaven allowing you to grow:

Older
Younger
Taller
A pair
Fatter
Impatient
A beard
Two beards
Three beards and a baby

Naturally, this means you will probably encounter a lot of babies who look like old people and a lot of old people who look like babies, but that's part of the charm and horror Heaven has to offer!

Q: Will all babies in Heaven be the Baby Jesus? Because that would be confusing and kinda creepy. (asked by Junior G-man)

A: Heaven will contain every variation and permutation of Jesus available to the general public, which includes (but is not limited to):

Baby Jesus
Black Jesus
Homeless War Veteran Jesus
Decepticon Jesus
9/11 Sad Jesus
Dale Earnhardt Car Crash Sad Jesus
Space Shuttle Explosion Sad Jesus
Dead Bin Laden Happy Jesus
Buffet Jesus

...and many more!

Q: If I find myself in Hell will I be able to appeal my placement there? If so who do I go to? (asked by Undead Unicorn)

A: You will be given a HN:492A form, commonly called a "Planar Transfer Appeal." However, the moment you receive it, the form will instantly catch fire and disintegrate. Then Satan will laugh at you and you will think to yourself, "man, this really is hell! I should've made more people read the Bible when I was alive!" You can ask for another form, but it too will immediately burn and Satan will laugh at you again, but probably not as hard as he did the first time.

Q: In Heaven, will I still be required to preface all insulting remarks with "Bless his/her heart...?" Or can I finally just have incredibly selective cases of targeted Tourette's whenever I feel like it? (asked by Lord Byron III)

A: There are no insults in Heaven, and everything negative is instantly transformed to something positive! If you are in Heaven and make a remark like "boy, that guy sure is ugly," the powers of Jesus convert the words you say into something more uplifting like "boy, that guy sure is attractive for an ugly guy."

Q: I like to think that god made us all perfect so he'll be rapturing all our asses, good, bad, neutral or gay. Do you think my line of logic will get me in heaven? (asked by magnificent7)

A: If God made us all perfect, why do you spend so much time jacking off and picking your nose?

Q: Will I need Viagra® in heaven? (asked by Mr. Bonky)

A: No! Life in Heaven is like having a perpetual boner every single minute of every single day no matter where you go or what you do, including talking to your dead grandfather or playing with babies! The only difference is instead of being engorged with blood, your penis will instead be engorged with Jesus.

Q: Is it a charitable act to inflict unneccessary pain on the particularly undeserving, thus ensuring their eternal heaven superstardom? Is that what I should spend these few days doing, to ensure my admission I mean? (asked by Karate Bastard)

A: That is a very deep and thoughtful question. True Christians are selfless and worry more about others than themselves; by perpetrating harm and injury upon those that do not deserve it, thereby helping them get into Heaven, you demonstrate an admirable sense of empathy and concern. The true believer will therefore spend their remaining hours causing drunk driving accidents, mauling cripples, burning down orphanages, and protesting with Fred Phelps.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Guides

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.