Finest potions from finest ingredients at finest prices! Mazzy: jazzy the gypsy?
Zack: You cannot see it now but I am vomiting into hat at sight of name. Worst potioneer in history. Worse than Barabus the Mad. Jazzy has hate for all other potioneers because he bad with potion, but very good with curse. Terrible at free throw also. Not even get to "o" in game of horse.
Mazzy: look i dont want a potion
Zack: Okay. Understand very well. Can I ask serious question?
Zack: Do you have man to make husband with? Very handsome man with blue eye and golden hair and skins like a basketball? Man maybe name is Chet or Vance? Good Canadian man, very strong and fertile?
Mazzy: no i had a boyfriend my junior year but we broke up
Zack: Madam what if I tell you, I have potion sit on shelf RIGHT NOW that if you drink would make any man hypnotize into love for you? Love Potion Number 23, much more advance than traditional 9 rating love potion. What is more I have price slash on sale RIGHT NOW for only 950 klubals.
Mazzy: how much is that?
Zack: 950 klubals exactly 4.75 Canada dollars, plus ship and handle which is extra 300 klubals bring total to 8.50 Canada dollars.
Mazzy: my mom believes in crsytals is this like that?
Zack: Yes! Yes, very much. Same principle behind potion as behind crystal. It is energy. Energy is in crystal just like energy is in any ingredient of potion. Now think about Love Potion madam, I have good price. I make better or my name is Crazy Achmed! Price now 800 klubals!
Mazzy: i dont know tho how do i know your not scamming
Zack: Madam, I am wound. I have terrible wound. I am bleeding all over and my heart is broken into two. You think me less than dirt bird uses to take bath. Less than tiny pants worn by flea. Less even than speck of garbage a molecule leaves in air when it goes to bathroom! PTHH! I spit. I spit, madam.
Mazzy: wtf sorry dont take it personal
Zack: No! Apology not acceptable! I am cancelling my insanity. I am very Sane Achmed now. Do not want to sell potion. Forget I talk to you. Pretend potion conversation never happen it is just a terrible nightmare.
Mazzy: i said i was sorry DAMMIT!
Zack: What? Who are you? I do not think we ever talk before, madam.
Mazzy: the potion sounds good!!
Zack: Potion? Feh! I no sell potion anymore. Never heard of potion. I do not even understand what you could be talking about! Talk to Jazzy the Gypsy, whose ten times accursed name is associated with potions. I sure you find BEST POTION for BEST DEAL with Jazzy.
Mazzy: come on i want the potion
Zack: I do not know potion you talk about. You cannot see but I am fold arms over chest and turn away from computer.
Mazzy: look i want buy your potion!!!! IM SORRYYYY!
Zack: Perhaps deals can be made for love potion. How do I know I can trust you after such fearsome outbursts and deceit?
Mazzy: i amd very trustworthy
Zack: Hmmmmm sounds plausible. I will deal with you for BEST POTION then. One thing is price has gone up to 1400 klubals which is 34 dollars in Canada.
Mazzy: thats not fair!
Zack: Fair!? A funny story, madam from you who is so quick to call into a question the honor of a humble potion merchant trying to give you BEST PRICE on BEST POTION. This is not fair. This is travesty!
Mazzy: FU! i just asked how i knew i could trust you!
Zack: See! There it is again. All you are show is that you cannot trust yourself. We have very good potion for this made from horse milk and gunpowder plus secret ingredient. Maybe I mail you this potion so you take your head out of your backhole!!!
Mazzy: go to hell ur potion is fucking stupd
Zack: Your face is stupid! I bet if I give you 500 free potion to make beautiful face you drink them all and still make babies cry and rivers turn to puke!
Mazzy: bye bye asshole
Zack: I curse you to never own a jet skis! I curse your children to have fat ankles! A thousand times cursed!
Zack: May you never kiss a president!
Ernest Cline, writer of Ready Player One, shares his newest poem.
Honestly, the Assassin In Love poster is nearly perfect to begin with. It just needs a few minor tweaks.
Our Something Awful ICQ pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these ICQ pranks are all - unfortunately - real.