PRESTO CHANGEO! Your fat baby is now a, uh, fat baby. From: email@example.com
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
Thank you very much for your reply. I am sitting on it with respect as I reply back to you. After seeing the enclosed jpg file you sent, I must admit, I was appalled by such a shocking disasterpiece these people created. It is one thing to take an image of an innocent child and merge it with the beauty and grace of a plastic doll, but what the people in that forum have done is an abomination to both the children but also the childrens' parents and the parents of their parents, the Lord Jesus Christ. It is not "humorous" and I completely agree with you; these images are infringing the copyright laws of the doll baby children hybrids you have retouched for these (paying) customers. I don't think I even need to point out how inappropriate the phrase "crazy pimp baby- where ma moneys at bitch?" is; at the bare minimum, the grammar and structure is completely off ("where ma moneys at" should, at the very least, be "where ma moneys IS at"). When I saw the example of the renamed file you quoted, "frodofagginsmorelike.JPG," I wanted to instantly delete that member from existence. I do not know this "Frodofa G. Gins" individual he was referencing in the file name, but I assume it is a client of yours and I apologize in advance for this libel / slander. Please send my regards to Mrs. Frodofa and let her know we our addressing this issue.
Regardless, these comments from our users, in conjunction with the terribly black hearted image editing and revolting content, has led our administrative team to take immediate steps towards rectifying the amended revision in our image editing policies to serve in proactive prevention of subsequent financial reparations. Do these additional rules sound acceptable to you?
IMAGE EDITING RULES:
IIIIVa 04g) No user shall, under any circumstances, edit edited or previously edited images to depict an edited image of the edit in an unflattering / disgusting / vile light. This includes references to "pimping," being a zombie (or undead creature such as a Dracula or mummy or CHUD), being crazy, asking about money and ending the sentence with a preposition, or any combination of the above (crazy pimping zombie, a Frankenstein asking about money, etc.).
IIIIVa 04h) No user shall, under any circumstances, rename files to defecate the name of clients on other websites (i.e. "Frodofa G. Gins"). Talking about renaming files will result in an instant ban.
Are these rules acceptable? Once again, thank you for bringing this matter to my attention. I will begin "deleting the forum entirely," however I must wait for Gary to drive to the server farm and plug in the server containing the forum (it is currently being inspected, to make sure there's no code anywhere on it). If there's anything else I can do, please let me know.
Rich "Kyanka" Kyanka
Well, at least it was quick. I guess it wasn't professional enough, because the reply just seemed to confuse crazy doll lady, who refused to read or comprehend any of it.
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
To clarify the matter, please send a quick response as to whether or not the forum will be deleted. Also, please include a date of removal. This is necessary in order to determine whether further action is required on my part.
Hey! Come on! This whole lawsuit thing isn't as easy as replacing childrens' eyes with doll eyes! It requires a bit of finesse, you nutty broad! Work with me here!
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
To answer your "quick response" question, you must please specify and elongate on your demands:
1) Which forum(s) would you like deleted? We have over 842 forums on our site, including Generalized Bow Flex, an Animated Gif Guide to "Canterbury Tales," Anime Dump 2000, Pickle Mania!, The Crock Pot, Marty's Morning Zoo, and Ye Olde Christiane Sillye Storye Tyme. I need to know what forums you would like me to delete, as I do not want to accidentally delete too many or not enough forums (the guys in Markup Mayhem would kill me if I deleted their subforum "Who Wants to Be a Frigidaire?")
2) How many forums total would you like deleted? As I said before, we have 842 forums, so we need a number between 1 and 842. Please give me this number in alphabetical order so I can enter it into our computer easier.
3) What date would be good for you? I want to choose a date that would be best suited for your needs, so please let me know what days and times work out best for you. Our server is free this Friday from 1:00 to 1:30 PM CST, if that is convenient for you.
I am working on an automated system to let you delete the forums yourself by sending an email to this account, in case it happens again in the future (that way you don't have to go through a middleman like myself for your request to be processed). Hopefully I'll have it online soon and you can use it to automatically delete the forums infringing upon your copyright(s).
Rich "Rich" Kyanka
I'm still not sure why crazy doll lady wanted me to delete an entire forum. At the least, she should've requested to Photoshop over the thread and magically transform all our users into soulless, zombified latex ghouls drenched in pancake makeup. There are already enough Juggalos in the world.
Subject: Re: Lawsuit
As stated in my previous email, the forum to be deleted is found under this link: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=22fdadfac72fcfca20d42c3e35 aa6ec6&threadid=2137510&perpage=40&pagenumber=1 Please remove it today.
I'm sure you think your emails are funny, but the parents and professionals who are involved do not agree. Nor will your listed sponsors.
At this point, it became clear she was on to my nefarious tricks. She whipped out her trump card, insinuating our "listed sponsors" wouldn't think we're funny. Somehow I doubt Google cares, as they're apparently in the business of getting everybody in the known universe laid through their awesome "DATE WHITE CHIX" text ads that appear here. Please take a look at whatever bizarre, goofy Google ads are running to the left of this paragraph and try to argue with me on this one.
This is your typical consumer model throne. If you just want a cheap prop, it's fine. If you want to actually sit like a king, pony up the cash and get yourself a prosumer model. This entry level stuff is more for a duke or baron at best.
Do you wish to know what computers will be doing in the year to come? With a sigh I shall exert the minimal effort it takes to reveal all. Feel free to print out these predictions and share them with your friends via fax.
Many people love to threaten to sue us. Luckily we have both Leonard "J." Crabs and common sense on our side, thus enabling us to easily defeat such trivialities. Remember - when you're on the Internet, you can threaten to sue for anything!