I could tell you that Gunz Online meets all the requirements for a good MMO. I could also tell you that Gunz Online may revolutionize the entire gaming industry. However, I would be a filthy liar since Gunz Online is nothing more than a piss poor shooter wrapped up in a ball of anime, broken physics, and your typical dumb online community.

Granny Henderson thinks video games are the devil.Initially, I had refused to review Gunz Online on the basis that most people that know bad MMOs have either played or heard of this atrocity. As a game gains some kind of popularity, either for good or bad reasons, people tend to make fun of it. Once it has been driven into the ground much like any internet meme, making jokes about it tends to lose it's fun and originality. For this same reason I will never review Furcadia, World of Warcraft, Everquest, DAoC, or any well known MMO. Not saying that Furcadia should be clumped with actual MMOs but that game is so laughably horrible that it has it's own kind of "ha ha look at this piece of crap" popularity.

I think I may make an MMO one day. It really doesn't seem very hard to mash the basic components of today's massively multiplayer games into a grotesque package of filth. In preparation of the next best MMO I have compiled a detailed list of all things that Gunz Online (and other MMOs) employ to guarantee success!

  1. Never give the player too much to choose from - Why keep the player busy with an in depth character creation? At most only give them three to four hair styles, faces, and one skin tone. Minorities don't have computers anyway! We need these saps playing the game where our precious advertising shines!
  2. Make players pay real money to dominate cheap players - Fairness? Ha! If we can get some douche bag to fork over money for an in game hat then they deserve to kill any other player just by proximity. Not only do we get rich quick but it drives away the players that will never give us a dime. Communists.
  3. Anime! Anime! Anime! - The kids these days love their anime and who are we to deny them of that? Every character must look as stupid as possible to appeal to the mongoloids that play our game.
  4. Character modeling and level design are a waste of time - Don't bother spending hours upon hours designing nice looking models and lush maps. No one likes effort in these parts of the internet and we have to allocate our time to sitting around on our own forums making players bend to our will. The power that we have in the community sees no boundaries!
  5. Don't let the player progress in a timely matter - To insure that we will make as much ad money as possible, make sure every objective takes an extremely long time to achieve. The longer a player has to spend on time sinks the more ads they have to view and the more likely they will pay real money for progression. Grind is the keystone of MMOs and we must make sure our keystone is the best!
  6. Ban nay sayers on sight - We don't need people stirring up a fuss so if you see anyone bad mouthing our "hard work" be sure to ban them immediately. Too many angry players could create an uprising or see that our game is stupid and we can't have that. Convert if possible but if not, eliminate.

Soon I will be rolling in all sorts of currency when my game, Zombie Anime Monster Truck Rally Online: The Pain Bringer hits the theoretical internet shelves!

Gunz online can actually be fun if you drink heavily and listen to the heaviest metal (osmium) while shooting other players in the face. However, even with all of these conditions the fun lasts approximately ten minutes and then you search for anything else to do. Hell, even searching for something to do beats actually playing Gunz Online. Perhaps I am just spoiled by the simplicity of World of Warcraft and my ability to delay gratification has long been destroyed but when I play a game for a good half hour, come out on top with the most kills and experience, and still only receive sixteen of the game's currency when a weapon costs thousands, I become a tad discouraged.

One interesting game mode involves running through dungeons and slaughtering hordes of monsters in an environment that resembles the Lord of the Rings movies. You know when Merlin the wizard tries to fight Diablo and the stone bridge collapses and they go to hell? That part is basically in the game but replace Merlin with your dumb anime character, his staff with your character's replica katana, and Diablo with some stubby little orc in armor.

Why does this look so familiar...?

Mario did it first.I have to admit that after spending an hour bored out of my mind in the normal game, the quest mode seemed refreshing. However, this became short lived when I found out that I had to grind level after level in the main death match mode to continue my quest into Mordor and the volcano that destroys the [+1 Ring of invisibility].

The Gunz Online community easily falls into the Battle.net category of every online MMO which probably comes to no surprise. Most people are hilariously bad at this game and once you dominate them in the ancient sport of online gaming they tend to blow a gasket. Throughout my Gunz Online experience I believe I had been called a hacker, cheater, or Hitler more than a few hundred times. Even if I were in dead last and managed to kill someone with an inferiority complex (see: entire community) they would get the nails and the cross. That's right folks, I am comparing my online persecution with the crucifixion of Christ. Interesting fact: creating an MMO is eerily similar to creating an organized religion including the anime. I am not kidding, there is actually a bible to appeal to the brain dead youth that sit around writing fan fiction of Dragon Ball Z and Sailor Moon crossovers.

More MMO Roulette

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    ‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.

  • Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.

About This Column

"Free" MMORPGs have grown in popularity to the point of supersaturation. How on Earth can one person possibly play them all and determine the best platform for painfully long level grinding, illiterate online communities, and fatal bugs? MMO Roulette examines a different online "free" role playing game every other week, providing you the lowdown on each. Every chamber is loaded when you play MMO Roulette.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.