Geese are the potted plants of the Web 2.0 era. Unlike the dismal ferns of the dotcom days, these noblest of fowl provide a high-impact, user-generated experience. Dandy white coloration and sonorous honking drive teen web traffic with viral beak widget!
Health insurance is not a toy. Though filing a fraudulent claim so you can zip around the office in an electric wheelchair might sound like fun, you're ultimately hurting the company, which prefers to maintain a cripple-free image.
Internet browsing is the modern scourge of productivity. While any 21st-century business needs to be "wired," you may find it difficult to go ten minutes without discovering hot new bands on MySpace, checking out the latest viral sensation on YouTube, or just browsing around to earn money with your AllAdvantage toolbar. To avoid the temptation of random surfing, set your browser homepage to heinous, illegal pornography. Remember: if you don't have time to look at pictures of a dead-eyed child having messy sex with an elk, you don't have time to surf the net!
Jokes add levity to office proceedings, but too much horsehockey can be a waste of time. A good rule of thumb is to laugh once a day. After that, it's time to buckle down and get serious, because this is not a yuk-yuk clown show. Sure, we have some fun around here, but leave the goofs at home, daffy!
Keyboard got you down? Habitual hunt-and-peckers can speed up their work by arranging the keys in alphabetical order, thus minimizing eyeball scanning time.
Left-handed employees can drastically improve their efficiency by outfitting their offices with items specially tailored to mitigate their handicap: left-handed mousepads, mugs, staplers, motivational posters and thumbtacks are available through the "special needs" sections of many leading medical supply catalogs.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.