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Sexual harassment is a bad idea, buddy! While you're making eyes at the receptionist or snapping your secretary's bra, you're wasting valuable businessmoments. Channel your sexual frustrations into your work instead: your natural emissions make great laminate, sealing wax or, if you're in exceptionally good health, correctional fluid.

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Tines is money! When engaged in a business luncheon, make sure to grab a fork with four or more tines. Three tines equal bad business; lunch goes slower, conversation grinds to a halt, and your colleagues shift uncomfortably in their seats as you struggle to drive morsels into your mouth with your inefficient utensil. Take a tip from the top brass: buy a fork with five to seven tines and carry it with you always.

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Underlining words might make a bold impact, but always remember that the time you spent underlining that word could have been spent writing more words, and maybe even underlining them, instead. Think about it.

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Vasectomies are the devoted businessman's first line of defense against efficiency-destroying distractions in the home. Keep one in your briefcase at all times, but take it out only when appropriate; it may scare your squeamish coworkers, but it can be a great boon when you're up against a tight deadline and your wife won't stop calling up and ovulating at you.

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