Sexual harassment is a bad idea, buddy! While you're making eyes at the receptionist or snapping your secretary's bra, you're wasting valuable businessmoments. Channel your sexual frustrations into your work instead: your natural emissions make great laminate, sealing wax or, if you're in exceptionally good health, correctional fluid.
Tines is money! When engaged in a business luncheon, make sure to grab a fork with four or more tines. Three tines equal bad business; lunch goes slower, conversation grinds to a halt, and your colleagues shift uncomfortably in their seats as you struggle to drive morsels into your mouth with your inefficient utensil. Take a tip from the top brass: buy a fork with five to seven tines and carry it with you always.
Underlining words might make a bold impact, but always remember that the time you spent underlining that word could have been spent writing more words, and maybe even underlining them, instead. Think about it.
Vasectomies are the devoted businessman's first line of defense against efficiency-destroying distractions in the home. Keep one in your briefcase at all times, but take it out only when appropriate; it may scare your squeamish coworkers, but it can be a great boon when you're up against a tight deadline and your wife won't stop calling up and ovulating at you.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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