The ABCs of Workplace Efficiency
Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Dr. David Thorpe, trusted workplace consultant to some of the most successful companies in the world. Under my corporate tutelage, United Handshake increased its initiative throughput by 58% in just one year, bringing it up to par with industry leaders like AmeriShog and Federated Discharge. Now, through an amazing clerical error, my consultation is available to you free of charge.
Bathing cuts valuable time out of your work day. Throwing out your morning hygiene ritual can get you to work up to an hour earlier, fresh with the musk of success. You'll be a well-greased business machine, ready to impress coworkers with your powerful, distinctive fragrance. Resist the urge to shower in the evening- a restful night in your natural soil will leave you with a robust, mossy vigor.
"Cannibals" should be avoided! No matter how strict the hiring practices, most sizeable companies end up with one or two "bad seeds." These ravenous nogoodniks feed on the productivity of their co-workers, biting into your efficiency with their stubbornness and negativity. If cannibals attack your workplace, try to persuade them to eat these bad employees instead of eating you.
Dehydration is your friend! Stepping out of a meeting to urinate is the ultimate showstopper. Avoid the awkwardness by foregoing water and drinking only dry liquids, like chalk juice or beer tar. Avoid discharges altogether by getting plenty of sodium; most chemical supply companies carry the invigorating mineral, which can be eaten in small, spicy slices.
Expect the unexpected, and vice versa! Ever had a three-day project scuppered by an unforeseen obstacle? Preempt this woe by always expecting everything. The probability of something happening is 100%, so be prepared, if nothing else, for the inevitability of events.
Firing unproductive employees is never easy, but any healthy forest requires occasional thinning of deadwood, lest some lightning-strike set the whole thing off like a tinderbox, burning your screaming employees alive, ignoring their anguished pleas, delighting in the papery crackling of their blackened skin, reveling the euphoria of pain and destruction. And then who's fired?
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
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