Thank you for great interest! Time and time again adult and child long for fun! Time again longing is gratified by going to ADVENTURE PALACE.

The pamphlet in whose hands it now rests has given you key to ADVENTURE PALACE. You have found it!

Or, perhaps, ADVENTURE PALACE has found you?

CHILDS love fun, love merriment, and thirst for realization and achievement of fun and merriment. Therein ADVENTURE PALACE, childs and adult may find such pleasures awaiting them at every turn (left and right only)! ADVENTURE PALACE is safe biome for fun but fun without wisdom can parent disaster! Please review in all thoroughness the following briefs!

DANGER: man with claw heart will trap you with love!! MAINTAIN TWENTY BRISK JOGS from man with claw heart at all times. Under no circumstance great or small must you envelop yourself in moist blanket and roll toward man with a claw heart. Of this, this much is certain.

HOOT: ADVENTURE PALACE has eyes like osprey, observing all motions with objective demeanor. DO NOT FEED, ANTAGONIZE OSPREY. Bird features sharp beaks and talons unfriendly to human skin. Eyeballs, too, may find themselves at wit's end. Provocation thus therefore mustly be avoided. VIDEO TAPES also capture all events for posture, but where are they???

WARNING: naked man manacled to floor is liar!

Even though long his beard has grown, wisdom he does not conceal. Manacled nude is determined liar! He will tell childs horrible things of which can be readily disproven by adult. HOWEVER, to untrained mind of childs, such notions may be accepted! He will tell childs that men who were never presidents were in all truth presidents. He will teach incorrect solutions to popular math equations. From him shall come no good. Do not feed him and pursue at all expense in task of escaping him.

The bones he gnaws on belong to IGNORANCE, DECEIT, and SUBTERFUGE.

ATTENCION: meat vat is for big kids only. Small kids may become surprised to find fingers, limbs, and hairs trapped in crushing gears! IN CONCLUSION, BIG KIDS ONLY MAY SWIM AND DIVE AMONGST THE FLOWING MEATS. Small childs, you may not audit meat vat! ADVENTURE PALACE does not furnish towels!

MAY YOU HAVE GREAT GATSBYS OF FUN IN CENTRIFUGE! But, ALERT, child must possess reasonable skeletal capacity to withstand force of wind. Harnessed winds will smash child against wall, which may be fun or may be living end depending on hardiness of child's skeleton. Examine and stress test skeleton of child before entering centrifuge.

ALARM: FUN SLIDE was installed backwards. PROPER MOVEMENT IS TO SLIDE UP, NOT DOWN. Any violations will result in expulsion. SLIDE IS FOR MERRIMENT, NOT SUBVERSION.

CAUTION: Remain pragmatic when faced with horror or danger emanating from BUTTERFLY GARDEN. BUTTERFLY GARDEN is off limits as of that horrible day. Move fast and fluidly past entrance. Avoid tedious moseying as to not encounter the butterfly that has forsaken its gentle nature in lieu of menace.

If sighted by butterfly, remain stationary as though statuesque. Halt for as long as necessary, giving butterfly no clues of true nature (you are not a statue). Upon freedom from butterfly's torment, proceed to gift shop for relief!

Gift shop may contain rewards and monuments to fun had. PERCHANCE a commemorative plaster face mask of child is in order?? Humorous orbs and sweater vests may also be bought through acts of commerce, though nothing must leave the building.

THAT IS IT. You know fun and wisdom. Enjoy ADVENTURE PALACE with utmost enthusiasm. Fearless now thanks to transmitted knowledge, enjoyment will be unimpugned! BRING THIS BROCHURE and reduce in stature and dignity the price of entry.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.