In case you somehow missed the sudden increase in illuminated yard Santas, red tide, and men wearing sausage hats, it's December! For most of you that probably means a time for festivities, whether it's Christmas, Chanukah, or some other bizarre religious kook extravaganza. Here at Something Awful we like to mark the end of each year by cleaning out all of the props and equipment that we no longer need for generating comedy. By year's end our offices are overflowing with all manner of industrial comedy machinery, animal parts sent to us as threats, and blackmail photographs of Lowtax eating pie in the bathtub. Luckily for our readers we intend to do the noble thing and pass the savings on to you! That's right ladies and gentlemen, the time has come for our annual fire sale, and boy have we got some fantastic bargains for you.
To start things off our bargain hunters have taken a trip into the cluttered workspace of the man, the legend, the Rich Kyanka. They have poached up some deals so amazing that you would have to be an anti-savings savant to pass them up.
10 Pair Striped Socks - Intended for witches good and bad, three socks used, one sock used vigorously. $8.00
Mystery Box - Where did it come from? Where is it going? Whose side is it on? How big is it? What's my phone number? Does the box have the answers? The Box is a mystery that may sting you if agitated. $20.00
Inflatable Door Stop - Inflates to stop doors. When deflated may slow doors and stop doors of very diminutive size. $4.99
Assorted Magazines - Mostly cat magazines and geological photo books of igneous rock. Do not fill out subscription cards!!!!! $6.00
Original Art - Hand drawn by "AJ", rough likeness of Jimmy Carter trapped inside glass box without oxygen. Not really that original. Framed inside chain from chainsaw. $9.00
A Must For Star Trek Fans - X-ray of Michael Dorn's fractured tibia. Image photographed by Doctor Hapset Singh after stunt foul up during shooting of "Mitzy's Conveyor" episode. Slight creasing, may cause dizziness. $45.00
Bombardier Jacket - Handsomely worn bombardier jacket with fleece collar and interesting patches from around the world. Strong odor of pipe tobacco and the human condition. Found on corpse of drifter. $90.00
Felt Sack - Attractive maroon felt sack contains shards of glass and loose mercury. "Thermometer Remnants" stitched on side. Lovely gold filigree and leather laces. $15.00
Great Gift Idea - Like new small pocket book entitled "1001 Terms for Turks", contains several hundred terms for Turkish men and women as well as the word "Turks" repeated over 300 times with ascending numbers after it. Not such a great gift idea for Turks. $5.00
Harpoon Gun Ammunition - Fair condition, lodged in chest of secret agent. Put a wonderful surprise under the tree for professional and amateur shark snipers. $2.99 each or $15.00 for nine
The rest of the staff has plenty to contribute as well. Folks, if we don't get this stuff out of our office we risk a total collapse of our floor under the immense weight of junk.
Curiosities of the East - Asian tour group will not leave building or stop asking questions. Several have spoiled and are beginning to smell. Will pay for removal.
Books for Children - Willing to trade up to ten assorted books per pound. Children need not be conscious or intact, but we will not accept dead children. No scams, we've learned how to spot robots.
Scented Candles - Greasnin's lot of fifty scented candles, most NIB, will not break up for sale. Scents include "lazy apricot", "hat musk", "curse of the azure bonds", "threatened sector", and "wistful ape". $10.00
Free to Good Home - Unidentified moaning sound and unearthly glow emanating from kitchen. Possibly ghost of previous occupant. High maintenance, prefers dishes of wood glue to be left near refrigerator. FREE!
Mittens - Two pairs of woolen mittens with very nice red and yellow stripe pattern. One pair sized for children, the other pair sized for person with one huge arm and one tiny arm. All mittens heavily soiled with machine lubricant. $3.00
Flying Car - Disappeared from lot and landed on car dealership. May use alien technology. Resembles normal '88 Chrysler LeBaron. Do not let your guard down. $280.00
Video Mania! - Review copies of the following games available in single lot; "Dr. Stoops Maddening Mix-Up 2: Fire Planet", "Negro Slalom 3D", "Sim Harpsichord", "Hutch Medley and the Dagger of DJ Ripple", "Dumbwaiter Tycoon", "Mavis Teaches Astral Projection", "Comanche Refueling", "Secret Ops Undercover Strike 4", and "Darkening: The Soul of Blood Shadow". Includes boxes and instruction manuals. All games pornographic in nature. $55.00
Rings and Things - Loose jewelry found in drawer of Frolixo's desk. Includes five diamond stud earrings, a necklace of Mardi Gras beads, and a small wooden crucifix with "Melanie" carved on the back. Entire lot sealed inside translucent ceramic block that cannot be opened. $830.00
Movie Props - A delightful assortment of gums chewed on the set of "K-19: The Widowmaker", mounted on card and framed behind Plexiglas. Includes 12 pieces of Cinnaburst chewed by Harrison Ford. $35.00
Headlines - August 19-24th, 2002 issues of the Cleveland Plain Dealer daily newspaper. Condition ranges from Good to Like New depending on the issue. Some slight clippings taken from Area News section, will provide photocopy reproductions of missing clips on request. $9.00
Entire Cow - Difficult to differentiate individual parts, pressed into cans and currently in cat's digestive tract. May be reassembled into living cow when science allows. $120.00
Militaria - Zack's collection of World War II German scissors are up for sale. Includes paper scissors of Eva Braun, monogrammed cloth scissors of Theodor Eicke's tailor, and mustache scissors of Hitler's bathroom adjutant Claus Strasser. Entire set infested with pubic lice. $825.00
Gag Gift - Wacky talking greeting card. Poor condition. Interior has added text in permanent marker reading "Get well soon Mike Piazza, love, Hillary". Audio component jammed and garbled, somewhat resembles "shit up rope country". Inexplicably hilarious to Native Americans. $15.00
We've Baked Too Much - Several dozen chocolate layer cakes. Preserved beautifully in kosher brine, just microwave and serve. Each cake feeds ten or five on a dare. $10.00 per dozen
Comb Sheath - For discerning comb enthusiast. All leather with slight wear around opening. Fits size three to five and a half combs. Includes several human teeth loose in sheath. $0.75
Wireless Ethernet Router - Fair condition. Has been maltreated by writer Livestock who repeatedly immersed it in rubbing alcohol for unknown reasons. Very clean, many status lights functioning. Keep away from open flame. $3.50
Something in the Way - Great gift for the musically inclined! Four canisters of pepper spray (oleoresin capsicum) with the faces of the Beatles. George Harrison partially discharged, may be refilled by draining mugger's tear ducts if crime is solved. Call 883-2230 if you've seen an eleven foot tall troll near a wooden bridge. $105.00
A Touch of Class - Professional makeup artists and the fashion-inclined; read closely. We have located an entire case of Revlon Goiterliner. Accentuates all of the right curves in your swollen thyroid and ensures you turn the heads that you want. Product is cruelty free. $60.00
I hope you have plenty of money in your Paypal account! Honestly people, how can you go wrong with deals like that?! It will be another year before we get around to sifting through the debris in our office, so jump on the saving train while it's in the station and buy now!
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to eliminate the plague that is humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.