This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 24, 1980
SUBJECT: Strong Month

I have just finished a survey of our inventory and it appears we produced 27 cans of soup this month. After our recent troubles, that is a huge increase in production. But it’s not good enough.

While I was putting out one fire after another in the past year, you idiots have apparently been sitting on your thumbs dreaming up new ways to clog my toilets. If not for all the money I made from my hostile takeover of Man’s Reach Soup Co., you would all be out on the street corners working as prostitutes selling your bodies to Johns. Take it from a guy with ample knowledge of that profession: you have to do some pretty horrible things to remain competitive.

Next month I expect us to produce 10 times as much soup. I want those soupyards overflowing until every itinerant in town is salivating outside our gates. With any luck we can use some of that as broth.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 24, 1980
SUBJECT: The Conspiracy

Please disregard the 30-page memo about Dick Van Dyke's conspiracy to discredit me which I circulated last night. It has come to my attention that while it is factually accurate, now is not the time to disseminate this information.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 24, 1980
SUBJECT: Nerds

I just read an article about the so-called “nerds.” These are men who are awkward around women, wear thick glasses and dress poorly. As I was doing my morning ritual of sizing each of you up, I noticed many of you fall into the “nerd” category. I don’t want to be known as the kind of man who hires or abides nerds, so the whole lot of you have one week to get your acts together or so help me god I’ll get the Dallas Cowboys to come in here and personally tackle each one of you until you’re all quadriplegics. Then I’ll fire you.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 24, 1980
SUBJECT: Strange Odor 

Supposedly I released a live cobra in the office some time ago. I don’t remember when or why, but I’m sure I had a damn good reason. Anyway, I’m told it’s been hiding out in the ventilation ducts ever since, eating the odd rat here and there. Now the damn thing is dead and that’s what's stinking up the office. Don’t bother bitching to me about it anymore, because I don’t give a damn. It’ll decay on its own in due time.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 24, 1980
SUBJECT: Rumors in the Workplace

I didn’t realize I was running the National Enquirer since everyone here seems obsessed with spreading rumors. Well, I don’t tolerate rumormongering on the clock, especially when you all have the facts wrong. Phil Bison’s wife is leaving him because she’s having an affair with me. She’s sampled what a real man is like, and can’t even stand to look Phil in the eyes anymore. Also Phil is a "nerd."


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 24, 1980
SUBJECT: Lip Smacking

Lip smacking. It's a goddamn epidemic here. I hear it through the walls. If you can't refrain from smacking your lips, you’re going to be getting awfully familiar with the heel of my boot.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 24, 1980
SUBJECT: Prison

According to Tall Charlie, one of you was heard to remark “Bear Cave is run like a prison.”

I run this company like a business. Sometimes businesses have to lock their doors with all the workers trapped inside for days at a time. Sometimes businesses have to divide everyone up by race and pit them against each other. These are standard business practices designed to improve efficiency and boost morale.

During my time in the war, I ran several prisons. I know the difference between prison and business better than anyone here.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 24, 1980
SUBJECT:
Bouillon’s Birthday Party

I have been officiating a birthday party for Bouillon, my beloved dog and Bear Cave’s indefatigable mascot. During this time not a single one of you aside from Tall Charlie has put in an appearance. This dog has taken bullets for the company. He has coughed up his innards and licked them back up. He has oozed blood and pus out of every orifice, including some unique to him. He’s lost his hair and much of his skin. But yet he gets up every day and comes to work just like me. He is the hardest working son of a bitch in this business, and the only one allowed to talk back to me.

The least you can do is come show some goddamn respect by petting him and feeding him a piece of cake. Attendance is now mandatory.



– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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