This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: April 14, 1980
Subject: Striking Employees

As many of you know, Gary Loggs and a few other useless cretins are out in my parking lot holding signs and yelling like a bunch of morons. All remaining employees are hereby forbidden to interact with Loggs and his cohorts unless it is to spit on them. Make sure you hit them and not my parking lot. I don't want your damn spit on my asphalt.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: April 14, 1980
Subject: Reasons Not to Strike

To the rest of you shits: I HAVE BEEN A MODEL BOSS. I personally removed all the raccoons and possums from the soup vats. There's no more sorrowful yowling to distract you from work. I have also reintroduced rats into our intricate ecosystem to keep insects from contaminating our soups. Finally, I have managed to purge the last of the rockabillies from our ventilation ducts and soupyards.

For these reasons I have earned the Employee of the Year award and a 10% pay increase. If I wasn't such a good boss, I would not have merited either. If this strike continues, I will be personally hosing down everybody with experimental soups from our R&D division. And you know they've been cooking up some nasty stuff.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: April 14, 1980
Subject: Reminder of Dress and Appearance Standards

I didn't start this company to see a bunch of Charles Manson and Tony Danza types creeping around my office. This is a real business and you will present yourselves like real businessmen. I've ordered Tall Charlie to shave every male head or face with excessive and untamed hair. Any removed hair will be used to fortify some of our more watery soups.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: April 14, 1980
Subject: Increased Security

To compensate for the danger posed by the strikers, I'm having Ðâng Lành install some traps around the entrances and exits. Nothing serious, just various bamboo spike traps and a few larger traps involving rolling logs. If this concerns you, just make sure you don't leave the building during normal work hours, or arrive late.


To: Laurie Cornes
Date: April 14, 1980
Subject: Your Dog

I've seen that dog of yours. I like the looks of her. She's petite, but hardy looking. I know from the smell of her urine that she's not fixed. I think she'll hold up. Bring her in tomorrow. My dog Bouillon needs to pass on his genes before his canine syphilis renders him sterile.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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