This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: Sunday, April 15, 1979 6:00 AM

SUBJECT: Enjoy Yourself

If you're reading this, it means you arrived to the company picnic on time. Congratulations -- you're a punctual idiot. Any morons who show up any later than 6:05 will be reading a much harsher memo.

Since you made it on time, you're not fired and are welcome to enjoy all the festivities paid for on my dime. They are provided to you for free, but that does not entitle you to take advantage of my hospitality. I'll be keeping a watchful eye on everyone throughout the day, and if I see any gratuitous behavior you can bet I'll be putting my foot down. That means no hogging the potato salad and five-alarm chili and no overusing the Porta-John I am paying to rent at great personal expense.


TO: Calvin Burroughs, Art Rockefeller

DATE: Sunday, April 15, 1979 6:07 AM

SUBJECT: You're Fired

As you seem to have missed the memo circulated this past Friday at 4:59 PM, you are now fired. In said memo I stated in no uncertain terms that all employees must show up to this event no later than 6:05 AM or risk termination. You lame-brained imbeciles seem to think you can just skirt the rules. I disagree.

Your former coworkers will be enjoying a mandatory day of fun, sack races, my famous five-alarm chili and free prizes. Don't even think about trying to join them. You're not one of us anymore.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: Sunday, April 15, 1979 6:15 AM

SUBJECT: Complaints

I have personally overheard a number of loud crybabies complain that it is still too dark and too cold to have fun, and that the lightning storm is preventing you from enjoying yourself.

First of all, sunrise will happen within the hour.

Second, I'm not paying you to complain.

Third, even though this is an unpaid event, it is mandatory, and I will dock your pay if I feel you haven't done your part or participated enough.

Finally, it's only supposed to rain half the day, at which point the forecast calls for a few hours of hail and then sun. If you can't tolerate a few raindrops, you don't deserve to call yourself a man.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.

DATE: Sunday, April 15, 1979 8:04 AM

SUBJECT: Porta-John Rules

Just because we're not in the office doesn't mean you can use the Porta-John any time you want. The same bathroom rules apply here as they do during business hours. There may not be a toilet to flush, but that doesn't mean you don't obey the standard protocol. That means you come to me after you used the bathroom, and I inspect whether or not you deserve a flush. I may not be able to authorize any flushes here, but I don't want you weak-bladdered ninnies falling out of habit.

I am also hereby limiting all employees to 2 visits to the Porta-John today. You can barter one of your visits with another employee, but please inform Manuel Rodriguez of your intentions. He will be keeping tally.

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

Other articles in this series

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