This article is part of the The Bradford Exchange series.
If my calculations are correct, Valentine's Day is LITERALLY right around the corner. That means if you're the sort of person who has "buddied-up," you are mandated by decree of our corporate elders to purchase a gift for your special someone.
Typical Valentine's Day gifts include stock certificates, furs, dogs, chocolates, various uprooted plants and greeting cards oozing with raw sentimentality. But what if you don't want to be a cliché idiot handing out chocolates created in laboratory assembly lines by robots with claw hands and metal hearts? You have options. Lordy lord, do you have options.
Our astute friends at the Bradford Exchange, a sort of Caligulan celebration of humanity's depraved thirst for garbage, have honed in on what it means to express love. Their scientists, thinkers and genuine Creatives have concocted a terrific medley of tangible gifts that say romantic things like "I love you" and "I know you still yearn to return to the Glory Days of the Confederacy."
Let's spend a moment together and examine some of these gifts, shall we? Who knows, you might find the perfect thing for your beloved cat-collecting, M&M-obsessed girlfriend or maybe something sweet but manly for your racist boyfriend who loves Star Trek.
"Sacred Spirits" Tiger's Eye Tomahawk Pendant Necklace
Baby, if my love for you was a weapon, it would be the Native American tomahawk, famous for scalping and fatally wounding so many frontier settlers. But it's not just any tomahawk, baby, because it's decorated with all that Indian stuff you love. You know, feathers and shit. And eagles, too. Eagles are Native American, right? I mean they'd ride 'em and stuff, or eat 'em or whatever. There's a wolf on it, too. I know you're more into collecting cats, and you've got so many cats and I love that you love cats, but wolves are really spiritual animals, baby. Gotta love 'em, right? Anyways, happy birthday. Shit! Valentine's Day! Happy Valentine's, baby!
"A Cup Of Love" Yorkie Pup FigurineI believe that a dog should be of formidable size when fully grown, able to tackle and subdue the average person with ease. I believe that a dog should be capable of seeing out of its own eyeballs without fur blocking or obscuring its sight. I believe that a dog should look dignified and be fully capable of defending itself and its associates from threats.
Thus begins my manifesto, which members of the media will read aloud to the world when I finally snap and do what must be done. Dogs like this, which look like somebody illegally dumped cotton in a pit full of industrial candy factory runoff, are an abomination to everything good and just and pure in this world.
I say to anyone willing to purchase or adore this prostitute dog in an ugly cup: be ashamed! If you want to appreciate dogs, look to the noble dogs of the frozen northlands: the majestic Saint Bernard or the irascible Caucasian Mountain Dog. They are true dogs worthy of awe and demanding of your respect.
The Ultimate Elvis® Bracelet With 37 Charms
If you loved Human Centipede but wish it was really about Elvis and a piece of jewelry instead of a movie, then today is going to be the luckiest damn day of your implausibly strange life. As an added bonus, this bracelet has apparently appeared on Lifetime Television's "The Balancing Act," which I think is some kind of show where awful women bombard your face with stupidity.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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