This article is part of the The Bradford Exchange series.
This humble collection of words serves to catalog ideas great & small, however simple & unrefined they may be. Though hastily scribed & scarcely organized, these ideas may one day form the basis for a great multitude of inspiring statues, figurines, light-up paintings, cuckoo clocks, lamps, clothing & decorative weapons available through the Bradford Exchange.
THE BRADFORD EXCHANGE
1 Adorable kitten vest with pockets for kittens or Christmas ornaments (lights up?)
2 Old man speaks to dogs, dogs listen intently to his stories of confederate history. "The Wise Teacher"?
3 Tiny baby doll with droopy eye... realistic cackle.
4 The Three Wise Men: Dale Earnhardt, General Lee, John Wayne bring gifts to baby Pope in tasteful tribute to classic Bible scene.
5 "Beautiful Spirit of Nature" - attractive Native American lady riding dolphin unicorn. Total babe-- wow!
6 Realistic baby Pope gives inspirational message of hope in Latin (button on back makes him speak)
7 Bichon Frise emerges from watermelon (birth metaphor or comical image of adorable cuteness???)
8 "A Logical Race" - Mr. Spock-branded NASCAR or Harley matches stern Vulcan-commitment to logic with human need for speed.
9 Light-up TV tray features gorgeous celebration of Evel Knievel/Pope John Paul II.
10 USMC Devil Dog urinates on middle eastern palace
11 Wizard rides Harley - "Freedom's Magic?" "Ride of the Wizard"? Beard flows in wind.
12 General Lee's face adorns fabric wall covering, calls out to chosen in ethereal voice. Magic fabric?
13 "THE UNIFIER" pistol with pictures of General Robert E. Lee painted on side. Shoots authentic bullets emblazoned with images of Confederate heroes.
14 "The Double Catch" - Fisherman reels in the "big one" while looking to side at beautiful, admiring woman. Everything coming together perfectly.
15 Michelle Obama figurine opens up to reveal adorable baby dolphin, plays catchy jingle
16 Fat tabby cat lounges on back of smiling tortoise or John Deere Tractor. Something green to contrast lazy cat.
17 "THE GLORIOUS SHEPHERD" - Jesus Christ guides ships to shore via branded lighthouse (lights up, Thomas Kinkade art on side??)
18 Epic medieval sword emblazoned with images of adorable black babies on blade and hilt (Custom art of YOUR black baby???)
19 Stirring tribute to motherhood: mother dragon nurses baby dragon (fire shooting from teats??)
20 "NATURE'S UNRELENTING PROMISE" - statue of 10,000 eagles soaring above 250,000 wolves as they team up to obliterate 100,000,000-strong buffalo herd.
21 Sinister monkey baby mimics customs & behavior of human babies, fools even parents.
22 Covered bridge statue features rousing paintings of cars going through inside of covered bridge on side (maybe transparent-glass covered bridge statue with actual car figurines inside?)
23 "Parents of Time" - caveman and cavewoman embrace as saber-toothed tiger and woolly mammoth watch approvingly.
24 Snowman's dreams - heroic snowman pilots spitfire against Japanese zeros.
25 Crypt Christmas - limited-edition diabolical biker skeletons celebrate Christmas by delivering gifts from hot -rod sleigh. Perfect for bridging seasonal gap between Halloween and Christmas.
26 "Ole!" Matador baby celebrates glory of beautiful Spanish tradition with unbelievable cuteness.
27 "Magic of Kinkade" fleece jacket features every Thomas Kinkade painting combined into one glorious tribute to the enduring spirit of the artist.
28 "Don't Mess With the Chief" - Cranky baby Police Chief has entire squad running scared from his temper tantrums.
29 "Boys Night Out" - adorable 60's era rockabilly/greaser babies play in hot-rod convertible, oblivious to the looming threat of the Vietnam conflict
30 Extremely doughy baby with dragons painted on folds of fat. Epic Hildebrandt brothers depictions of dragons turn pudgy child into amazing fantasy art.
31 "Glory of His Birth" figurine of Jesus hatching from egg. Egg features classic Bible passages written on side.
32 HO-Scale train features cast of ALF on side. "Melmac Express"? Cats beware. ALF says "I Kill Me" when train is activated.
33 Tote bag featuring Elvis riding John Deere tractor. Replace Elvis with Indian Chief for spinoff piece.
34 "Last Supper for Dogs" - all 12 breeds of dogs represented in hilarious and tasteful homage to iconic turning point in history. Judas = Rottweiler?
35 "Chocolate for the Heart" - adorable Bichon Frise head pops out of stunning high-heel shoe in ultimate collector piece for women.
36 "Sorceress Queen" - amazingly beautiful fantasy woman razes nearby village with her ungodly magic. Statue captures her delicate countenance and shapely figure perfectly.
37 A hobo offers a dog a treat, dog rises to hind paws in preparation, hobo laughs gaily at spectacle of "walking dog".
38 Amazing John Wayne statue lassos American spirit, spirit too big to be lassoed, epic struggle between two titanic forces ensues.
39 Harrowing bas relief of Obama's birth certificate reveals startling unknowable truths that trigger terrible madness in lesser species of men
A hardy thanks goes to Zack Parsons for gracefully allowing me to soil the good name and fine standing of his Commonplace Book series.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
An ongoing exploration of the many products and artistic masterworks created and sold by the Bradford Exchange.