This article is part of the The Bradford Exchange series.
Dolly Mama's "Hat-titude" Music Box
"It's true! Girls do just want to have fun, especially when stylish hats are involved."
If you know a living human being who would appreciate this gift, let alone accept it as a valid romantic gesture, then you need to change your life dramatically and fast. You need to assume a new name, move to a new town and start fresh. Whatever choices you made in your past life, it's now time to do the exact opposite. It's either that, or you need to come to terms with the fact you're in a relationship with the world's most annoying drag queen. You can do better!
Michelle Obama Figurine With Swarovski Crystals
Michelle Obama, First Lady and sworn hunter of fat kids everywhere, has never looked more terrifying or freakishly tall than in this elegant sculpture made by a crazy person. This looks less like the wife of the president and more like what alien abductees describe wandering around the mothership collecting butt samples.
This particular piece of top-quality merchandise is a real noodle scratcher for me. The type of Christian Conservative goofballs who thrive on USMC and Confederate memorabilia aren't likely to welcome a black lady statue into their homes unless it's full of syrup. I like to think the liberal sorts are buying more respectable forms of garbage. So who's left?
Given how abstract and excessive Bardford Exchange merchandise tends to be, how do real human beings find a connection? What drives a person to want to put this in their home? I struggle to imagine, even though I know it's a losing battle. It's like sending your brain cells out on a suicide mission.
"Rise & Shine" Louis Comfort Tiffany-Style Rooster Lamp
Get your sweetheart the sweetest gift of all: a stained-glass rooster lamp. Yep. That's on their list.
"Sprinkled In Pixie Dust" Lifelike Doll
Conventional gifts like chocolates and flowers aren't particularly memorable. So why not blast off into the stratosphere of creepiness by giving your special ladyfriend a realistic doll? Aside from the fact she'd instantly fear for her safety, you'd leave a lasting impression, and that's what it's all about.
Confederacy Commemorative Men's Ring
Valentine's Day isn't all about broads. Us fellas can get gifts, too, you know? Even though the Confederacy was defeated over a hundred years ago, a few sore losers are still keepin' the dream of owning slaves alive. And who can blame 'em? Work is hard. Get this lovely ring for the truly discriminating gentleman.
Antique-Finish John Wayne Pocket Watch
What time is it? I don't know, let me just check my trusty JOHN WAYNE pocket watch, commie. Let's just flip open this opposing cover emblazoned with the unmistakable silhouette of the one-and-only Duke to reveal this tender and intimate portrait of the man himself. Ah, as you can see my John Wayne pocket watch lacks numbers, so I'm not entirely sure how to determine the time. Well... shit.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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