Place the console on a hard flat surface.
Microsoft did their best to make sure the 360 was mod-proof but they didn't count on us getting our hands on screwdrivers! Use your screwdriver to unscrew the screws at the screwpoints in the screw corners where the screws are located.
Enlist a cat to help you if the going gets tough. Cats have an excellent sense of hearing and can alert you if predators are nearby. Unscrewing screws can be very dangerous and child predators may use this as an opportunity to get you.
Slowly open the case so bats don't fly out at you. See all that stuff inside? Yeah, that's what makes Halo work. Amazing, isn't it? You never think of these things when you're getting called the n-word on Xbox Live.
The case may be a little hard to get open at first, but with a little persistence you can do it. Remember, electronics these days are resilient and can take a lot of punishment.
Oh, I forgot to mention, you need gloves for this. To stop the bleeding apply pressure to the wound and hold. Cells in your blood called platelets will clot and slow down the bleeding. In order to speed up the process place your hands in the oven and bake at 500 degrees for six hours.
Now that now you are properly equipped, it's time to pry open that Xbox!
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.