The Wing Kong Exchange's Fan Section, submitted by Jeff. I've always been a big fan of "Big Trouble in Little China," the quirky action film from the 1980's starring Kurt Russel and that little weasel-like Asian guy whose left eye was controlled throughout the entire movie via remote control. Any way you look at it, "Big Trouble in Little China" is a great movie: there's guns, floating eyeball creatures, magic Chinese drinks, levitating princesses, and a whole bunch of other weird crap. Despite my love for this movie, I have never felt the urge to write pages upon pages of fan fiction dedicated to it. That's what separates me from the winners who contribute to this site, a shrine to immortalizing John Carpenter's film by assaulting it with a barrage of fucking god-awful stories.
Wang: " That's understatement, Jack. A typical Jack Burton Tale From The Dark Side, if you ask me. Is Marilyn still bugging you about that road trip?"
Jack: " Oh damn, Wang. All the time. And I can't seem to get rid of her lately. She pops up at the worst times these days. I was trying to entertain a very nice lady - with enticing credentials, I might add - at dinner one evening. After some wine, and a nice steak dinner - she's looking at me. I'm looking at her. It's getting cozy, if you know what I mean, Wang. Anyway, about the time dinner was over and things looked to be shaping up nicely, here comes the missing link, herself, looking like she had just eaten a half side of beef in record setting time. Popping up right out of my bedroom, Wang. I had no idea the big-ass gorilla was even in the house. We've had a change in house security since then, but can you believe that shit? You talk about being difficult to explain… Luckily, my little lady friend thought it was all just a big gag… some big goon in an ape suit. But she wasn't too amused about the whole deal, Wang, let me tell you. She had other ideas for the evening, like I did. Then I had to go and spoil the evening for her, like some kind of dumb goof-ass."
Wang: " Marilyn did save our butts though. Don't forget that. We do owe her."
Jack: " Yeah. I know that. I also remember you said you would be coming along on that little road trip too, pal. So don't forget about that little commitment."
SWEET! You guys might want to just save that story and print it out because I'm 100% certain it will be the plot to "Big Trouble in Little China 2: Citizens on Patrol." There's also a guestbook you can sign, but you have to admit you get off to photos of Egg Shen before they let you post.
Wang: " No problem, Jack. I'm game whenever you're ready. Just give me a little notice and we'll take the strapping youngster to Disneyland or someplace else fun. You can hold one of her hands. I'll hold the other and we can go on a nice ride or something."
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.