Chicken?

At another restaurant, you'd call this a lawsuit. Here, you'll call it "delicious!"When you're in the chicken business, you have to have a good supply. It's true that other chicken restaurants may not seem to have a problem with this, but you have no idea where their meat is coming from, do you? Hell, for all you know, every time you go into Popeye's you could be chowing down on poodle, muskrat, or one of the victims of The Weatherman Slayings (once again, good job, Big Guy)! We at Chicken Sunday are proud to tell you we know where our meat comes from- other chicken restaurants, and in some cases, the dumpsters of reputable slaughterhouses. With our "Are you gonna finish that?" plan, hundreds of Chicken Sunday vagrants are sent out to collect unfinished scraps from the dinners of other restaurant patrons. Sure, we've had a few arrests here and there, and we can't forget the explosion at Arthur Treacher's, but I am personally seeing to it that these downtrodden men have a place in our society- namely, collecting chicken pieces in buckets and working security at Cockfight Monday (coming soon). If you see a sharp decline in hunger-related crime at the beginning of the week, why don't you scratch our backs a little and come on in to Chicken Sunday? You may run into one of our lovable little scamps, who all answer to "Charlie," and will be glad to hear your cries of "Thank you for not raping or assaulting me today!" For the love of all things Holy, though, do not make eye contact with them. We try to let them know they are subhuman, and eye contact may reestablish the part of their soul we've carefully eliminated.

Of course, all of our chicken pieces are refried for your safety. But it's not like it matters to you. Where else are you going to eat chicken on Sunday?

You Eat It!

One thing we stress at Chicken Sunday is that no orders will be taken in advance. Since we're only open one day a week, it's often a first-come, first-serve basis for our customers, with the spork fights any sane man would expect from such a supply-and-demand kind of operation. Hell, some days we decide what you order. And you know what? By God, you'll like it! Thankfully, our menu is rather small. Please note that prices are subject to change by the minute and items may take 6-8 weeks for delivery.

Big Clucker Menu (Adults)

Indistinguishable Chicken Lump (Large)$13.99
Indistinguishable Chicken Lump (No Tumors)$26.99
Blastin' Beak Ball (Flavor $5.99 Extra)$17.99
Wing and a Prayer Meal (Free Bible!)$34.99

Fuzzy Yellow Spawn Menu (Children)

Beaks N' Feet Basket (Bring Basket)$14.99
Lil' Lumplet (Gravy Center)$17.99
Poultry Power! Kids Meal (1 Lil' Lumplet, Drink, and Swimfan Action Figure)Negotiable

Guano Guzzlers (Drinks N' Stuff)

Dr. Grocery Store (In Some Conditions, May Resemble Dr. Pepper)$6.99
Distillery Drippins$10.99
Cap'n Tap's Dishwater$5.99
The Chicken Sundae$12.99

The Chicken Sundae, a special recipe my grandpappy taught me, is our-best seller, as well as a local favorite that you may have seen multiple times on 60 Minutes. Mix aged iced shavings, chicken runoff, assorted parts, and top with a dollop of warm gravy, all served in a trough. It's the closest you can get to God on Earth without killing an abortion doctor!

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    ‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.

  • Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.