-Fixed a bug that caused small dogs to start barking and never stop.
-Small dogs are no longer supported, and will self-terminate within two months.
-St. Bernard size increased 100%.
-St. Bernard's cask will no longer contain brandy. Now contains one of four dipping sauces (ranch dressing, sweet and sour, honey mustard and barbecue).
-Improved saliva production in certain breeds by as much as 300%.
-Removed a rare glitch that would cause a dog's head to rotate 360 degrees when looking inquisitively at operator.
-Dogs now regard vacuum cleaners as friends and will attempt to operate them.
-Fixed a bug that caused dogs to incorrectly regard fecal matter as food.
-Fixed an error that caused social interaction between dogs to occur on the wrong end.
-Fixed an issue where some breeds would grow curly hair, making them appear effeminate and prissy.
-Improved dog pathfinding, allowing them to better navigate to operators located at higher altitudes or behind complicated obstacles.
-Dramatically reduced instances of autoerotic behavior in public.
-Addressed a logic error that caused some dogs to hysterically chomp at bees.
-Fixed a rare glitch where a dog would regard its own tail as an enemy.
-Removed an exploit that would allow operators to duplicate their dogs endlessly.
-Placing a small ball or toy in a dog's open mouth while it is yawning will no longer cause it to shut down.
-Reduced bloodhound "droopiness" by 25%.
-Fixed issues of dogs turning hostile when spoken to in a funny or scary voice.
-Introduced fixes for three common benign situations that would cause a dog to become sexually aroused.
-Fixed error of dog incompatibility with chocolate cake. Should greatly improve experience of being dog.
-Fixed a bug that would cause floppy ears to flip over the wrong way, requiring an operator to reset them to their default position.
-Dogs should no longer drag butts across carpeting in presence of operators.
-Fixed rendering bug that caused deformed geometry on pug faces.
-Investigated issue of pit bulls entering rings of screaming men, biting each other to death; confirmed cause as operator error.
-Fixed vocalization issue in huskies which would cause them to utter "I love you" when trying to say "stop tormenting me."
-Added a routine to flush loyalty cache of dogs upon death of operators, preventing documented issues of dogs waiting at train stations for 15 years.
-Fixed a glitch that would cause a dog to think it is dying when exposed to soapy water.
-Improved sleep programming to prevent recurring dream where dog endlessly chases giant rabbit made of ham.
-Fixed an extremely rare bug that would allow some dogs to speak fluent English.
-Dogs left alone in cars now automatically enter power-saving mode.
-Dogs should no longer go insane and attack operators when riding in a car that is going through an automatic carwash.
-Greatly increased the speed at which the beak of the dog processes peanut butter.
-Fixed an error in flight or fight response processing that would sometimes cause a dog's snout to detach and fire like a projectile.
-Prevented an exploit that would allow non-recognized operators to assume administrator rights by offering treats.
-Fixed an error that would allow some breeds of dog to eat continuously until bursting.
Special thanks to David "Dimebag" Thorpe and Tom "Moof" Davies and for contributing additional bug reports.
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.